i just had a moment. one of those achingly bittersweet moments. when you feel your heart and it hurts a little bit, but feels warm and swollen too. that twinge of beautiful agony- that ache that comes sometimes from loving someone so deeply that you feel their life in your life.
we had returned from the second day of school and it had been a hard day. zoe was in her adapted tagless, seamless school uniform, wearing pigtails, glasses on, shoulder up, running through the kitchen to go find her neighborhood friends.
it was the pigtails. and watching the back of her head, her bare neck- revealing her elevated left shoulder. my mind played back all the times i've watched her running away. watched her through the years as her white blonde pigtails have darkened, watched her gait steady slightly, watched and wondered and worried and prayed.
i love this girl. so. much. this zoe. all of her. the almost 13 years of her. the challenges she never asked for.
today when i picked her up, unlike yesterday her teacher said she had a hard time- at line up, in math, and french and pe- but the afternoon was better. zoe seemed okay.
part of me didn't care, part of me expected that, part of me was crushed, part of me was annoyed that someone tried to test her math skills on the second day, part of me was scared about what direction we may be going.
but as she dashed through the kitchen in her typical zoe form- i felt all those years like a giant ball in my throat and mostly what i felt was proud. because even if the morning was hard, she still invited almost everyone we passed on the way out of school, to her birthday party. because she wasn't in bits. because i know she can multiply even if she wasn't willing to count for her teacher today. because a new school, being the only new kid in the class, in a class of 22 typical kids, who have all had french before, is a lot- with out being evaluated in math. because we've come so far. because cricket is really hard when you haven't played before. because even if she didn't try in math, she is trying in life.
and that is what matters. trying in some form. trying to navigate a much more complex world than i have to navigate. it will come slowly by slowly. she is not broken- she is whole- she is love.
as she dashed by me in the kitchen, i felt it all- our past, this day, where we've been, where we are going, all the unknown of it - but the known parts too - "zoe can i have a hug?"
"no mom!" she said smiling. "i want to go play!"
"oh come on, please?"
"okay fine! one."
i held her tight for a moment. her hair now at my chin level, her glasses still pressing awkwardly into my chest. this girl has come so far. mustard seed faith. mountains will move.
plink plank plunk
we had returned from the second day of school and it had been a hard day. zoe was in her adapted tagless, seamless school uniform, wearing pigtails, glasses on, shoulder up, running through the kitchen to go find her neighborhood friends.
it was the pigtails. and watching the back of her head, her bare neck- revealing her elevated left shoulder. my mind played back all the times i've watched her running away. watched her through the years as her white blonde pigtails have darkened, watched her gait steady slightly, watched and wondered and worried and prayed.
i love this girl. so. much. this zoe. all of her. the almost 13 years of her. the challenges she never asked for.
today when i picked her up, unlike yesterday her teacher said she had a hard time- at line up, in math, and french and pe- but the afternoon was better. zoe seemed okay.
part of me didn't care, part of me expected that, part of me was crushed, part of me was annoyed that someone tried to test her math skills on the second day, part of me was scared about what direction we may be going.
but as she dashed through the kitchen in her typical zoe form- i felt all those years like a giant ball in my throat and mostly what i felt was proud. because even if the morning was hard, she still invited almost everyone we passed on the way out of school, to her birthday party. because she wasn't in bits. because i know she can multiply even if she wasn't willing to count for her teacher today. because a new school, being the only new kid in the class, in a class of 22 typical kids, who have all had french before, is a lot- with out being evaluated in math. because we've come so far. because cricket is really hard when you haven't played before. because even if she didn't try in math, she is trying in life.
and that is what matters. trying in some form. trying to navigate a much more complex world than i have to navigate. it will come slowly by slowly. she is not broken- she is whole- she is love.
as she dashed by me in the kitchen, i felt it all- our past, this day, where we've been, where we are going, all the unknown of it - but the known parts too - "zoe can i have a hug?"
"no mom!" she said smiling. "i want to go play!"
"oh come on, please?"
"okay fine! one."
i held her tight for a moment. her hair now at my chin level, her glasses still pressing awkwardly into my chest. this girl has come so far. mustard seed faith. mountains will move.
plink plank plunk
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