belated grief- thank you avett brothers

it's not been a good day, and i didn't know why until about 5 minutes ago.  well, three hours of it were fine.  the three hours when rose was attempting to take a nap, and the other kids were watching a movie with mike.  the three hours when i had time to myself- maybe it was one of those days when somehow, solitude was required but not much of an option- save for three hours.

the other hours were filled with the typical things. the things in life that can feel like the opposite of solitude: getting children food and drinks (every hour it seems); and answering questions like- would entebbe be destroyed by a hydrogen bomb in mukono?; and watching people spider climb up the door frames; and settling disputes; and listening to tattling; and the most lovely of all, cleaning poop out of the bathtub.

then while googling the range of hydrogen bombs for jude, i accidentally heard the avett brothers song- the beaches,

"Don't say it's over
Cause that's the worst news I
could hear I swear that I will
Do my best to be here "

and i began to cry- the ugly cry.  the full on cry of grieving my friend who i've dreamed about every night since her passing just a week ago, the cry that's been sitting in me like a big ball of ache for too many hours, trapped by perhaps, distance, and a lack of solitude.

she loved that song. i'd had it on the side of the blog when i lived in the US could use 'playlists'.  she's heard it and she'd loved it.  i love it too.

solitude- it's so hard to find.
loosing friends, is just so hard.

we'd lost a friend together before- 25 years before. our first death of a peer, but it was more than a peer, it was a friend, and a boyfriend.  it was more than a death-  it was an accident, there was a car, some injuries, a death and a driver- a driver who would never be the same. a driver who would die at 41- but who would say she'd already had more time on earth than she deserved.

ouch.

the things we carry around with us.  the things that we hold on to, that haunt our solitude. 
it broke my heart to hear those words, to know that had been sitting inside for. so. long.

"If I could go back
That's the first thing I would do
I swear that I would
Do my best to follow through
Come up with a master plan
A home-run hit, a winning stand
A guarantee and not a promise"

the things we never forgive ourselves for- i think that breaks Gods heart.  She must just cry and say please don't hold that- please let it go- please know you're loved and only one small piece of a great big painting. She must want to wrap giant arms around us and give us peace.

"If it's the beaches
If it's the beaches' sands you want
Then you will have them
If it's the mountains' bending rivers
Then you will have them
If it's the wish to run away
Then I will grant it
Take whatever you think of "

laura lived a lot.  she's felt the sands of many beaches, and climbed many mountains and put her feet in many rivers, and loved an amazing man and her family very deeply. she'd traveled the shores of many seas.

i know these things. i also know she was at peace- because she told me last month. but it's still hard, and i miss her, and i wish i'd been there to say goodbye in person- to tell her how loved she is, and to remember together.  i wish been on the same side of the sea - especially this last week.

so i'll hold on to what i can hold on to.  i'll try to find some solitude daily - so that i can process the aches of life before they eat me.  i'll try to not carry the pain- i'll try to receive the open arms and hold the peace, and be kinder in the typical acts that most days are made of. and i'll remember to look for the mountains bending rivers- to walk as many sandy beaches as i can.