today was my final day of work. and it was a day of good byes.
i couldn't sleep again last night because i dreamed of cracked walls where the cracks would turn into snakes and spiders; and old, old boyfriends resurfaced; and i was constantly finding myself trapped in high places. short snippets of dreams where you need to roll over between the segments, making the night seem endless.
today i didn't see patients, i did paperwork, and wrapped things up, and gave people my address and packed my things and said 'no' to bringing a lot of papers that i've carried with me for a long time, that have been moved here and there, papers that have sat in boxes or file cabinets, articles that are now online, academic stuff that has little relevance to what i'll be doing or teaching in africa.
but as i picked through my files and piles i found some cards that i will save from patients or their families- words that remind me of why i do what do- words of connection. i had time today to spend saying goodbye- and time to go and thank the Veterans Affairs chaplain for his Good Friday service (4 months late)- time to thank my nurses and office staff for all the amazing work they've done- time to call mrs. b. (see post http://bestillandknowkw.blogspot.com/2011/07/bee-stings-fish-hooks-and-another.html).
after mr. b died a few weeks ago, i felt badly about my goodbye. and unlike i predicted in above post, when i did call mrs. b, she was busy at the funeral home and couldn't talk. she never called back. so today when i got to work i planned to find a nice card and send it to her. to tell her that i was sorry that mr. b died and that i missed them both- that they were valuable. but as the day wore on, i realized that i just needed to call her- to be available- to deal with it even if she was upset or struggling or even mad about her loss. so i went outside in the sun and called.
'hey! it's good to hear you!' she said.
'i miss you- and i miss your husband and i want you to know that. how are you?'
'i'm good, i'm good. it was a good service- filled the church- so many people. you know, i'm getting on- you know me- i'm figurin' it out.'
'i know you will.' i said.
we chatted for a while- she asked when i'm leaving- and wished me the best and all that.
'i'm so glad you called kris' she said.
that was the first time she'd called me that. she always called me 'dr. reid'. and in that moment, i realized that i was no longer her husbands doctor, i was her friend. and that mattered.
when you work for the government the leaving is very formulaic. there is a form, that requires a million signatures, and in my case, a map- to navigate the endless basement halls of the VA to get those signatures. at each site, i announced that today i was 'clearning station' (which is what i was told to say) and got a lot of confused faces when my response to their 'why' was because i was moving to africa. as the day went on, there were more hugs and some tears and more 'appreciate you's and 'stay in touch' and 'we'll miss you's, but mostly those looks of surprise followed by a smile and a 'good luck!'
tonight we have a goodbye party- tomorrow night too- and as we say more farewells, we are so excited for the adventure that awaits us. and we have felt the love from the other side- from the receiving end- our friends in uganda have reached out and welcomed us.
a lantern is lit and waiting for us as our boat sails on.
i couldn't sleep again last night because i dreamed of cracked walls where the cracks would turn into snakes and spiders; and old, old boyfriends resurfaced; and i was constantly finding myself trapped in high places. short snippets of dreams where you need to roll over between the segments, making the night seem endless.
today i didn't see patients, i did paperwork, and wrapped things up, and gave people my address and packed my things and said 'no' to bringing a lot of papers that i've carried with me for a long time, that have been moved here and there, papers that have sat in boxes or file cabinets, articles that are now online, academic stuff that has little relevance to what i'll be doing or teaching in africa.
but as i picked through my files and piles i found some cards that i will save from patients or their families- words that remind me of why i do what do- words of connection. i had time today to spend saying goodbye- and time to go and thank the Veterans Affairs chaplain for his Good Friday service (4 months late)- time to thank my nurses and office staff for all the amazing work they've done- time to call mrs. b. (see post http://bestillandknowkw.blogspot.com/2011/07/bee-stings-fish-hooks-and-another.html).
after mr. b died a few weeks ago, i felt badly about my goodbye. and unlike i predicted in above post, when i did call mrs. b, she was busy at the funeral home and couldn't talk. she never called back. so today when i got to work i planned to find a nice card and send it to her. to tell her that i was sorry that mr. b died and that i missed them both- that they were valuable. but as the day wore on, i realized that i just needed to call her- to be available- to deal with it even if she was upset or struggling or even mad about her loss. so i went outside in the sun and called.
'hey! it's good to hear you!' she said.
'i miss you- and i miss your husband and i want you to know that. how are you?'
'i'm good, i'm good. it was a good service- filled the church- so many people. you know, i'm getting on- you know me- i'm figurin' it out.'
'i know you will.' i said.
we chatted for a while- she asked when i'm leaving- and wished me the best and all that.
'i'm so glad you called kris' she said.
that was the first time she'd called me that. she always called me 'dr. reid'. and in that moment, i realized that i was no longer her husbands doctor, i was her friend. and that mattered.
when you work for the government the leaving is very formulaic. there is a form, that requires a million signatures, and in my case, a map- to navigate the endless basement halls of the VA to get those signatures. at each site, i announced that today i was 'clearning station' (which is what i was told to say) and got a lot of confused faces when my response to their 'why' was because i was moving to africa. as the day went on, there were more hugs and some tears and more 'appreciate you's and 'stay in touch' and 'we'll miss you's, but mostly those looks of surprise followed by a smile and a 'good luck!'
tonight we have a goodbye party- tomorrow night too- and as we say more farewells, we are so excited for the adventure that awaits us. and we have felt the love from the other side- from the receiving end- our friends in uganda have reached out and welcomed us.
a lantern is lit and waiting for us as our boat sails on.
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