running out my life

that is it-
5 weeks from tonight i'll be on a plane- heading to a new life- a new home- a new place- east africa.

right now the sun is setting over the field beside mikes parents house.  the kids are watching some american ashley tisdale movie- the birds are finishing their day- an ambulance sounds- things here are normal- western- as expected- in sound and sight and plan.

5 weeks from now i'll be on a plane- no turning back- with our 15 bags and our hopes and plans and a whole lot of unknown- a whole lot of adventure and excitement and surprise.  5 weeks from tonight- it's happening.

and i'm ready.

today i went for a run.  i'm not a runner.  not in the way that most people are.  it's not part of my self description- it's not part of my day- i don't have cute running clothes- i don't time myself- i don't run with other people or compete.  but i run because it's good for me- because it helps me regulate- because even when i hate it and i'm huffing and puffing and miserable- it's humbling and it keeps me mindful of others.  today it was a perfect running day.  there are no excuses.  it wasn't too hot- or too humid or anything else.  (i did have a cut on my heel- but that didn't even hurt.)  so there was no reason to complain.  i ran a little more than a mile and got to a hill.  hills are hard for me.  they require more- they push me and tempt me to walk- to slow down - to pause.  but they also ask me to challenge myself.  so as i'm pushing up this hill, i began, as i often do, to push myself to run up this hill for a specific person, a cause, to attribute meaning as a way to get myself to motivate and rise to the occasion.  it never works. in fact, it back fires.  every time i envision myself running up the hill for this patient or friend with cancer- for zoe and her challenges- for those with out  hope in africa- i inevitably-stop and walk up the hill.  so today- after failing, again, that challenge- i did what i usually do when i get to hill, i surrender, i ask for help, i rely on the grace and not my own strength. and, as usual, that is what gets me up the hill.

where is the lesson in this?  perhaps it's obvious. 
i need to acknowledge my own need- my reliance- my inability to power through- my dependence.


today i felt nervous- mildly anxious and uneasy- uncomfortable with the time frame- with 5 weeks- with 35 days- with how quickly it's all happening.  but then- i ran.  and i remembered my need and dependence.  i remembered it's not about me being in control, it's not about me gathering my strength.  i remembered the 'why' and the 'who' and let go of the 'when'.  i felt the lift of 30,000 feet.  i saw the world again from that angle and perspective and i got excited and i got convicted and i was humbled that i need to be still and show up.  i need to let go and just go. 

this crazy thing we do- each day- this life- this air we breath and exhale- it doesn't matter where we do it- but how we do it.