40

40 started out at 3 am on december 18th with jude throwing up.  nice.  that is a great way to start a birthday.  but it reminds you of your life- of where you are, of who you are.  the day was pretty bad- cold and rainy and bitter outside, the kids fussing and fighting (as if they should magically not behave as usual on my birthday) and zoe getting sticky about it not being her birthday- about being jealous that it was about me and not her.  i was in a deep funk.  i couldn't get happy.  i wasn't being nice.  i just wanted to be alone- but not even that- because i didn't want to be around myself.  i ended up in the bath at 3pm listening to the soundtrack from Away We Go on my ipod and crying and feeling sorry for myself- like some bad old-lady version of Sixteen Candles.  it was kind of pathetic.  but 40 ended well, with some really good and important conversations with mike- and then a fabulous night out with him.  it was a day of transitions.  a day of accepting things for what they are- years, and children who whine, and stickiness.

when i woke up today- it was good.  i like 40.


mikes parents gave me a really cool necklace and earrings.  they are silver with a single fresh water pearl.  i began thinking about pearls and about diamonds.   about what they represent when we stop and think about it. they are valuable- precious- and rare.  they are beautiful.  and they both  arrived by a process of transformation and reaction.  they started out as coal and sand. and with time and pressure that coal becomes a diamond.  and with time the piece of sand that is an irritant inside a mollusk becomes a pearl after layers and layers are added for protection.  beautiful things exist because of pain or struggle or time and process.  things we value are not easy.  our emotional lives copy nature.  we are transformed by our pressures- our challenges- by our irritants.  and beauty can result.

i went into a store today (bill hallman- where i got the great dress).  mike had given me a gift certificate there for the big 4-0.  the guy behind the counter saw my last name and said, " are you zoe's mom?"  he then told me this story.

he said, you probably don't remember me but we met about a year ago when the store was in a different location.  you came in with zoe.  she is amazing.  she changed my life.  i can't really explain it- but she has this incredible energy.  she walked up to me and said ' hi, i'm zoe, what's your name?' and then engaged me in a conversation.

he said, i have this box that i keep really special things in- things from places i've been or quotes or things that people say- things i want to save. things i want to remember.  and i went home and wrote down 'zoe' and put it in my box- so i could remember her energy.  i can't explain really why it was so meaningful- something that day, that i needed- but she is really special.  she has a special purpose.

that was a great gift to me.  i know what he means- i've heard it before. someone else sensing her 'je ne sais pas'.  she is special.  gifted. engaging.  but in a nearly impossible way to explain. it was so good to be reminded of that.

we are all coal and sand with potential.  we are also the forces of pressure and protection in each others lives.  i hope 40 will bring me closer to that sparkle- rather than loosing myself under the pressure.  and i hope that i will influence those around me to transform positively- that i will coat my 4 year old whiny sand kernel with layers of love- and cover zoe's stickiness so only her amazing chi shines out.

40 - it's an important number- it shows up a lot.
the Israelites wandered the desert for 40 years.
Jesus was tempted in the desert for 40 days.
lent is 40 days.
there are 40 weeks in a pregnancy.
40 as a number seems to represent the end of a time of waiting- after a season of preparation.  that is were i am.  i've arrived at a place with a view- a time to pause- and a time to begin again.