kung fu

sometimes you just show up and laugh.  sometimes you just show up and cry. and sometimes you just show up.

that's how it felt at church today- just show up- in what ever form you're in.  today, it was broken, and i'm not sure why.  perhaps because i've had a migraine all weekend.  perhaps because i'm just tired of zoe's relentless stickiness.  i'm going back to that place of fearing whenever we go out -of how she'll be- of what will set her off.  that lingering fear- lets me know that it'd been a tough few days.

yesterday- zoe and i went to see karate kid, the new one.  i loved it.  there were many poignant parts about the kung fu way- using it to create peace, not stir up anger or revenge.  there were lessons learned about letting go, and embracing the new and growing up. and there was a quote from mr. han the kung fu teacher, who says to dre (the new karate kid),

" being still and doing nothing are two very different things."

so easy to forget that.  to feel like we need constant motion, to feel like when we're still, we are going no where. so wrong. like the panicked person in the water who is flailing around trying to help themselves, when if they'd just roll onto their back and be still- they'd float- and achieve what you're trying to do with all that flailing.

it's like in yoga- getting into the pose is about subtly moving your body in opposite directions- back and forth, changing focus- into aligment- to achieve stillness- quieting the mind- letting go. when i'm all knotted up inside- i can't relax into the pose.

this afternoon zoe and i stopped by lily's house to drop something off.  i'd done the usual 'prep' work-
"what if lily's not there?"  " what if lily is with a friend?" so to prepare her for those unexpected things which might throw her off. (yes- exhausting, and annoying- but helpful)

we get there and lily is at the neighbors in the pool.  i waited- nothing.
heather invited her to go say hi to lily at the neighbors pool.  i waited- again, nothing.
suddenly she comes back with lily to borrow a suit and go swimming with the kids.

"OK.  weird. sticky day- but if she wants to do it."
an hour goes by- i'm now at the poolside watching and talking to the grown-ups- again nothing.  she is there playing happily.  and i'm amazed.  and confused.  why was the morning tough?  why was yesterday and last night tough?  why is this going smoothly?

but then- she became sticky and unglued.  they were playing a game she didn't know, she didn't think of- she wouldn't listen to what it was or how to play- she just began to spiral down around the fact that she didn't think of it- that she felt left out- that she didn't understand- crying and splashing and making a scene.  i told her she needed to get out and sit for a minute and then the anger was directed at me. i was making her so mad- i was ruining her time with her friends.

then her brain got naked- out loud- why couldn't she just get a long with kids? why did she always feel left out?  was this all because of her non-verbal learning disability?  and she's shouting this from the pool.  it's like her frontal lobe just unloaded. no filter. and she let it all out.  all that people think- but don't say.   we spent the next 15 minutes trying to regroup- starting and stopping - with lily trying her best to re-include her, re-assure her- and me with my heart mushing- trying to not be mad- to not be ashamed- to not pity her- trying to love her, to support her, to make her feel worthwhile, to help her understand.

but i didn't understand.  i have no idea what set her off.  no idea what goes through her head. but i hear all off it- she outputs all of the emotion- but with no logic behind it- no understanding of causality- i feel i feel i hate- but no because- it's like a disorganized gush of yuck.

and then it became like a bad 'lifetime movie'.  we're in the car- she's crying, i'm trying not to, in dark sunglasses- some hokey music is playing and the emotion is palpable.  then she starts to unwrap her dad's fathers day gift, and i grab it and shout at her- "WHAT are you doing!! WHY would you do that!" and snatch it away- and then my tears begin to fall.  because what i said had nothing to do with the unwrapped harry potter movie that she'd picked out.  it had everything to do with the fact that i hate that we can't just enjoy an afternoon at the pool. that she had to spill her guts to everyone about every thought or emotion that ran through her head.  displaced anger.  just what an already confused little kid needs.

when we pulled in the driveway-she asked me if this had to do with having a non-verbal learning disorder or autism.   i climbed in the back seat- i told her she didn't have autism- she said," but do kids with nvld and autism have a hard time understanding and saying what they mean?"  "yes" i said.

"i don't want this!" she said.

" i know.  i don't either." i said.  " i hate it for you."

and then i outed myself about all the things i don't know.  like why do little kids get cancer. and why do parents die, and why is it so hard for her to understand things and why does she get sticky thoughts. and why does God allow all this stuff to happen.

i told her all i did know was that i loved her, and God loved her, and that she was made for a special purpose- just as she is- nvld and all.  and that anything else wouldn't be close to right.  that she has a beautiful soul.  that she is valuable just for being zoe.

being still is not doing nothing. i guess i should have know that because it's such hard work to just be still.