how far

so maybe i'm wrong. maybe she is better off dairy. maybe it's the fairy dust again. maybe if i write the bad stuff, the good follows, and vice versa- so prepare for a lot of venting :).

the last two days have been great! and sandwiched in between was a conference call with one of the therapists from her social group. it was so good - to hear how far she's come this year, how comfortable she is in her own skin, that she's engaged and interactive in an appropriate way, that she even has leadership skills. God is good. there was also the affirmation that pulling her out of school was the right thing to do last year. and it reminded me of all that i'd forgotten last week when i was bogged down with worry about whether she'd learned enough about her verb tenses. i was reminded that you can always learn grammar, you can always learn more history and science, you can improve your math and reading- but you can't get back years of low self esteem. a broken self image. it's harder to make up for the inability to connect with your peers- those are the things that form us- that give us the confidence to learn and to apply our learning. suddenly i realized how far we've come and how no matter how hard it's been- we're the better for it. it's time we'll never regret. foundational. formative.

the ability to learn reciprocity- the understanding that we are separate from other people and that's OK- that we all have similar but never the exact experience: this is a challenge for zoe, and children with nvld. and to become accepting and embracing of this is hard- but it's happening and that is so exciting. self actualization- self acceptance. she's getting it! and i think this is part of where the intense desire for independence is coming from. she is realizing that she is her own. and it's that much harder for her - given this challenge of reciprocity.

tonight mike is out of town and i took the kids out for dinner. they were arguing over who got to color with which crayons- zoe's voice began to escalate- and i acknowledged it, she started to say, " i think i know that already" (her buzz words, her sticky words, words that usually mean were in for it) she stopped at "i think..." then zoe calmly said to me, "mommy- maybe you can let us work it out."

i love that. when she changes mid course. it's almost better than just getting it right initially- because i get a window into her brain. i get to hear the process- the correction.

the same thing happened at the zoo today. there were several situations where i was holding my breath- times when i had to be still and ride it out- hold my tongue, not intervene- when i could predict the meltdown- the stickiness- the confusion on the other childs face- the embarrassment. but i was still and i waited, and fortunately- i was wrong. she let it slide (whatever it was)- she knew when to hold it in and when to let it go. i was so proud of her- because while it doesn't look like anything to anyone else- i know how far she's come. i know she's forming new pathways- she's learning from her choices.

you go girl- blossom on into the flower you are and are meant to be- and as you bloom we will watch in amazement - water you with love and learn from your process.