hope and expectations

i'm thinking about expectations.  and about hope.  and disappointment.

this week has been strangely good-especially given that for zoe, it is by far the busiest she's been in a year.  she is doing the summer school program at her old school, and the enrichment program afterwards.  this means that her day is from 8:30-3pm then she has gone straight from there to either brain balance or her social group, and then home- one day she even had a dinner play date.

in addition, her psychiatrist decided to taper her off of prozac- to see how she does.

i've been waiting for the shoe to drop.  i've been waiting for her to fall to bits.

on monday, the first day, i did get a call from her via the school summer time principle about her frustration over not being able to "make a basket".  i interpreted this as an art project- weaving a basket- it turns out she was taking about shooting hoops.  she found it so funny that i misunderstood her, that she quickly recovered and went back to her day.

tuesday was beautiful.  a little crabby with her brothers in the evening- but over all- she did well.

wednesday she had a bit of trouble on the math section of brain balance- but let it roll right off her- went on to the dinner play date and it was smooth sailing.  even the times when a meltdown was in the forecast- she reigned it in.  i was amazed.  that night at home- she sat talking on the phone to her friend for 20 minutes.  that was a first!

by thursday, i was kind of in awe, but also feeling really disconnected from her. missing time with her, but also wondering what was going on in her head.  she hadn't said much about things- which isn't strange i guess- but i was so curious.  was she checked out? was she OK but tired? was she .... separating herself from me...(which is a great and important thing).  i tried to talk to her, but couldn't get much - just "things are fine!"

but i'm so used to things not being fine.  i'm so used to hearing about how not fine things are.  maybe i felt like it was time for me to hear good things- if good things were happening.  i think i also wanted my possible guilt to be resolved- that i hadn't pushed her too hard- with this summer school thing.  but perhaps, no news is good news?

friday- as you all know, is my work day.  i leave the house at 6:15 when everyone is asleep.  when i talked to mike at 8:30- he sounded awful.  had the ball dropped?  she'd gotten mad when he told her for the umpteenth time to get dressed (so i'm sure it was an excited and possibly angry command at that point).  she threw her snow globe across the room- shattering it to smithereens.

pretty dramatic.  she is not a violent kid.

but - instead of a chorus of seemingly meaningless whined "i'm sooorrrryyy"'s, she said "i'm so ashamed." and didn't talk the whole way to school. then apologized. finally, appropriate timing.

 i finished early at work and went to pick her up at school to drive to brain balance - she wasn't there waiting.  she was in the school psychologists office.

"oh great!" i thought.  "can we just have one good week.  just one."

and it was that feeling like the scene in The Pink Panther Strikes Again, when Inspector Dreyfus has finally recovered from this crazy inability to deal with Chief Inspector Clouseau, and he exits the psychiatrists office- freed from the asylum, and upon seeing Clouseau for 5 minutes is once again, chasing him around the parking lot yelling 'kill him! kill him!!" and the camera pans to the window above, in the psychiatrists office, where he is watching, shaking his head in disappointment. 

it's that feeling like, try as we may, it just doesn't ever really go away.  that the school psychologist is thinking, "right so she can hold it together for 4 days, but then we have trouble."

the thing is, i don't care really, what the school psychologist thought or thinks.  it's just that it gets tiring to be in that place of ..'.aaahhhhh...maybe things have turned out alright' and then have the rug snatched out.  and this time, the rug wasn't even moved! and again, i see that it's all about me, my interpretation of things, my "needs", my levels of intolerance, or tolerance.  she's done amazingly well- has far exceeded any of my expectations- i'm so proud of her!  but to me, i was riding that wave of "normal".  i was moving into that place of, "we've arrived".  i was having daydreams about her returning to school full time, and loving it, fitting right in and having the experience that i had as a girl.  i was dreaming about full identification with my daughter.  i was forgetting that actually, nothing is broken.  that there is no "done" - that "normal " for us, is this.

hope and expectations and disappointment are things we all deal with.  and they can get all mucked up together.  i see it all the time with my patients.  at the end of life- hope is really important.  but expectations can ruin that- expectations breed disappointment.  and hope for the wrong things usually means that expectations have jumped in.  hope is the right brain, expectations are the left brain- always trying to quantify things- create reachable marks.  get into that school- vs. have a happy learning experience.  live for 6 more months, vs. have a peaceful existence for as long as i have left. hope is open, and flexible.  expectations are rigid and breakable.  even the way the words look and sound. 

so again, i'm on the same learning path as zoe- less rigid, more flexible.  less left brain, more right brain.  much more hope and much less expectation. 

being still  and letting go. ahhh, the surprises that await!