be here now

when i was in college, you could get a whole semester of PE credit for going on a 10 day outward-boundish experience called La Vida.  it was a hiking, camping, self-exploration experience in the white mountains of new york.  fantastic - i thought- more free time during the year and i like hiking. so i went the week before my junior year.  i was dating mike and felt like it would be a good soul-searching time- hours of walking in the woods- no distractions- new people to meet and be with- and the grand finale was our "solo".  24 hours completely alone in the woods.  this part was both exciting and terrifying.  longed for and dreaded.  i was craving some real alone time, i was wanting quiet- meditative-regrouping time, but i had never been alone-alone overnight- especially not in the woods.  i had visions of bears, or worse yet some crazy  man who lived in the woods- coming to get me when i least expected it.

the theme of the trip was "be here now".  be in the woods. be beside this stream.  be alone. be with out a shower for 10 days, and be ok with that.  be tired and hungry- because sometimes life is like that. don't waste the week dreaming of your favorite food or what you're doing with your semester- be.  here.  now.

but what happens when life take us to places we don't want to be- ever? how do we do this? how are we when we're somewhere we don't want to be?  what is the balance between trying desperately to move on- to avoid- but also accept where we are- and what about embracing it?

on the trip we made fun of this all the time.  if someone was lamenting about missing their bed or their boyfriend- someone would shout out, "just be here now!"  if someone was complaining about the mosquitoes or the blister on their foot, out it would come again, "be here now!".  at which point the person complaining would shout " i am here, that's the problem, and i wish i could leave now!". 

the lesson from being on that trip was and is my lesson for life. enjoy it- just because it is.  take the good with the bad.  don't miss the moments around us just because they don't smell good- or feel good. no one ever said any of it would be easy.

in the bugs and the heat and with a 70 pound pack on my back, dirty and tired with 8 more miles to go that day, i learned about endurance, and about the beauty in pushing onward, the comradery in the struggle. that the mountain air smells really sweet, and food tastes better when you're very hungry. that slowing down what you take in- does bring clarity.

finally the solo. we were dropped at our sites, i set up my tarp, i had a book and my bible and my journal. i was physically comfortable- no hiking that day- i had quiet and physical stillness. so i waited, for something- revelation or awareness- but all i felt was antsy and impatient and eager to be moving again. there wasn't inner stillness- and i was surprised.

but for me- that stillness comes with miles of walking ahead in a disciplined way.