independence and freedom for all

i knew if i posted that things were going well, that it wouldn't last. murphy's law. forgot to knock on wood. maybe i should have been done with the blog. end on a good note. maybe casein and milk aren't that bad. maybe too many vitamins is. maybe it's just random. maybe i should have called this space, "be crazy and never get it". or "saga of a nutball mom".

ugghh!

it's just life, isn't it? at least life with a child with learning differences- or is it all children? that is often the question. how much is attributable to her special needs versus normal 10 year old behavior? i mean she is becoming a "tween". there are hormones- i'm sure. there is the separation, individualization, that is supposed to be happening. but for some reason, in our context it just seems more challenging.

here's an example.

we spent the weekend in the north carolina mountains. absolutely beautiful, inspiring, fun, relaxing and all else posititve; and today, we had to leave. this requires that "going somewhere with your children thing"- stripping beds, packing clothes and toys and getting them to clean up, etc. i was trying to find zoe to get her to clean up with her brothers.
my parents mountain house is actually a main house and a little house- attached by a porch/ veranda. this is fabulous- because the kids get to go over to the little house to play, make forts, what ever, and we can sleep in, or read or talk with out disruption. kind of a win-win. independence and freedom for all. the land is on a dirt road, it's rural. there are neighbors, but not a lot of traffic, and not a lot of people. the kids are allowed to play outside with out us, but they need to tell us where they're going, and they are absolutely NOT allowed anywhere near the lake without adult supervision, and a life jacket.

now for most of zoe's life, she's been unbelievably compliant. she's never been a disobedient kid. she's been trustworthy to a fault. tattling on herself- even this year.

"mommy, i'm sorry but i ate those cookies."
and i'm thinking, 'i have it so easy!'

but lately, the past few weeks, she's become sneakier. and a little bit entitled. she's suddenly decided, or so it seems, that if she doesn't agree with the reason behind the rule, then she'll just go ahead and not follow it. she'll have consequences and she'll apologize, but she'll again, decide to follow her own desire and doesn't care as much about obeying the rules. most of the time this is not dangerous, or in anyway a big deal. most of the time it's like, " i know i'm supposed to go upstairs and get dressed now, but i'd rather stop and play the piano." (mildly disobedient, but no big deal).

the problem is, i don't trust her judgment. so when i was calling to her over and over for 20 minutes today, with no answer, unable to find her- i panicked. all i could think was that she'd decided she didn't agree with the rule to not go down to the lake, and had gone down, swam and drowned. i was just about to go down to the lake, looking for evidence, when jude came out of the little house shouting, "i found her!! she was hiding in the little closet."

i wanted to throttle her.

but the thing is, really, it's not that big of a deal. i mean, she really thought she was playing a trick on me, being funny, hiding. but to me, it was horribly disobedient, because i was so afraid of what could have been. because ultimately, i don't yet trust her. i dont' trust her judgment. if it had been jude, i might have been mad that he didn't answer when i specifically said, "answer me!", but i trust him, that he would never go down to the lake without me. but zoe, not the same thing.

and i found that i was getting mad at the possibilities and the disabilities and the overall big picture. i was reacting to her sometimes poor judgment. i wasn't allowing her to just be a goofy 10 year old.

she got in big trouble. she had to clean up the toys all by herself. she got a giant lecture on trust and being a "tween", and the struggle to find independence and still not make your parents crazy. she asked if this was all because of her nonverbal learning disability and i honestly said, " i don't know."

because i don't. maybe it's just 10 year old stuff. maybe it's having that immature right brain. but hopefully, we can get there - and i'll have to work extra hard to explain the "whys", and enforce the "because" and walk that line, find that balance between letting her wander, or hide and calling her back when she's gone to far. we both need to trust each other- she needs to know that i can let her go, but only if she'll respond when i call her name.

so we talked it out- and trust became our new goal. it's the key. we have the same goal- (thank God!) for her to become a functionally independent adult, who makes good choices. so that is what we'll strive for, and maybe, because of our unique circumstances, we'll learn it early, before "tween" becomes "teen". but the road is long- and as it's usually one step up, two steps back, but i'm getting used to a little shuffle.