this so isn't what i signed up for

we are at  OT.  occupational therapy-if you're lucky enough to not know the lingo.  it's weekly. it's where a very patient therapist helps zoe's sensory system re-integrate, and works on the occupational needs of a kid- hand strength, motor planning, coordination. actually zoe is at OT doing the hard work and i'm at starbucks drinking a latte and feeling baffeled. some days, like today, i look at my life and can't believe that instead of ballet, we go to OT.  instead of soccer, we do "social groups", that small situational changes, feel like great changes to zoe. and that some days, learning is impossible, like today.  she is destracted by a shadow, the light, a very distant sound- the decorations on the shampoo bottle.
"mommy have you ever noticed those little stars on the bottle?"
"can you just wash your hands please and go finish writing your words?"
it had already been an hour- there were 10 words to be copied.  i was flogging a dead horse.

i'm overwhelmed by her needs.  by the literalness of her mind.  her struggle to derive meaning from context. and how desparately important this ability is to understanding and relating to people.

"what does 'thoughtful' mean?"
"thinking of and putting others first"
"what does that mean?"
her mind i'm sure conjured up physically moving people in front of her.  i can't even describe things in a way that make sense.

i've only been home for three days.  i'm such a grump.  so quickly deflating. when i was gone, she went to her monday visit to her old school.  it was harder than it's been. again, small changes are big for her.  she was nervous- they said- distracted and distracing- disconnected. 

so maybe it's time to buy birkenstocks and get some chickens - maybe it's time to settle in and become a real "home-schooler" (mild gag).  it's just not something i set out to do.  this was not the plan.  i'm a doctor.  i don't have a lot of patience.  i don't know anything about teaching kids with learning disabilities.  this was OK for a year, but two? or three?  or more?
but life is what happens when your busy making plans.  how much control do we actually have over life? 60% maybe? yet we spend about 90% trying to control that 60%?   maybe my plans for trying to get her back to school are my heading off away from Nineveh again and God is tipping the ship- or maybe i'm in the belly of the whale.
the starbucks 'bold pick of the week' is the East Africa Blend. i can close my eyes and see the tea fields covering mountainsides and smell the burning leaf piles in the streets and that spicey salty teaky smell of the shops and feel that warmth and the bumpiness of the road that is rarely paved. being there has been on my heart since i was 17.  maybe it's time. perhaps this IS the plan for me - a sandal wearing, chicken feeding, home-schooling african mamma. 

or maybe it doesn't matter where we are- and maybe not even what we're doing but how we're doing it. today, i'm not doing it very well.  today i'm elsewhere.  today i need to remember to love the beauty of her ability to see the light and shadow in a way that i never will.  i need to notice the little stars on the shampoo bottle. writing helps me get there. re-inflate.

'Because I know that time is always time
And place is always and only place
And what is actual is actual only for one time
And only for one place
I rejoice that things are as they are'
TS Eliot