it was all the staplers fault

lets just say- i knew we'd be in for it today. mike is in miami. it's raining- it's been raining and it's going to keep raining. and my barometer for how zoe will do today, showed - trouble likely.

these days when i walk the boys around the corner to preschool- she does her writing assignment. this entails copying a list of either spelling words or vocab words with their definitions- today it's the later. P.S. -it's thursday- and we've been copying the same words all week. how she does with this task is a pretty good measure of what kind of day we're in for. as i unlock the door, i whisper a small prayer- please let her be done with her words, and please let her have done a good job, and feel good about it- inside, she's playing and proudly announces she's done - phew! excellent!
"let's go look at your words!"
oh dear God-
she has basically scribbled shaky parkinson's like words all over the page- she's standing next to me smiling- "oops! i guess i was a little cold".
"do you think there is a better way you could have handled being cold?"
"i guess i could have gotten a coat on."
"yup. OK- lets do it again."
then began the half hour of dillydallying - she decides to sharpen her pencil- then every pencil in the box. she wants to apologize again for not doing good work. she wants to ask me some random question about some object on the desk. finally after i threaten to throttle her and tell her she can not get up until she's done, that she may not speak until she's done- she spends 10 minutes max and does very well.

i know it's not eating worms- but this makes me crazy. because she can clearly do the task- yet instead of 10 minutes- it was literally an hour of "work".

but, here is the good news- here is the grace-
6 months ago- this would have disintegrated into a total melt down mess. 6 months ago, she would NEVER have been able to sit down and and regroup and actually do the words- she would have cried and said she was stupid and thrown her pencil down. she would have been unable to pull it back together and move on to the next subject.
this is huge progress!!

how quickly we forget. and each time the words take an hour- its a learning opportunity- for both of us. the irony is we're both working on the same things- she practices getting it together- i practice getting it together. and when i can stop and see the progress- when i can get through my own over annoyance at the task not being completely in a timely fashion :) and when i can see that what's so much more important than writing a list of words, is being proud of yourself, of getting it together, or learning to try again when you fail then i'm so proud of her- because this is where it's at- where it needs to be.


and here's why we quickly forget. i knew it would happen! i knew it.
it just took a few hours.

i pull up in the car to pick zoe up from OT and see her in the hall, doing her "boneless" dance ie: this is my body's way of saying i'm extremely frustrated and i give up.
my response- oh crap- deep breath.
the therapist asks if they can have 5 minutes.
sure- i mean great- if you can work through this with her in 5 minutes-and i get a happy kid- fantastic, and good luck with that.
10 minutes. and out she storms, red-faced, pursed lips and stomping feet. as i suspected. i wonder what happened- kind of- but i kind of don't care- i really don't want to deal- deep breath.
" I WANTED TO FINISH MY PROJECT BUT THE STAPLER BROKE!!"
oh- now i get it, totally great reason to get upset and throw a fit and waste 3 peoples time and make your brothers wait for us as we're late for pick up. that damn stapler! in my calm -annoyed- but calm voice i ask her to get in the car so we can get the boys. and instantly - seriously- as if a blanket of warm goodness has descended on her- she says, "i'm sorry mommy- i just got really upset."

again- there is the grace- there is the progress. only i can't see it because
while i'm calmly talking to her in the way way back, through the rear view mirror, i'm having not-so-calm-images of this being the rest of my life. of her never being able to handle being back at school because if you write like you have parkinsons and you go to bits over a stapler- no one will want you there. and i'm envisioning her trying to have a job, but melting down because the office copier is stuck. and while i'm talking about choices- i'm thinking that zoe really should have been born to the landed gentry in victorian england where manners defined you (she is undyingly polite) and ladies had other people wash their hair, and dress them- so all her OT needs would be bypassed. she could sip tea and wear a shawl and go for strolls in the garden. when they didn't have staplers and copiers.

"mommy i think my head was just too full and it had to come out."

"what do you mean zoe?, help me understand what that means."

"i just don't know. "

"but if we could figure it out- we could fix it."

"maybe it's just part of 'my disorder'- maybe it's just me."

maybe she's right again. maybe it's about accommodation and adjustment, not cure, or fix. it's about the long distance run- not the sprint. rats. deep breath.

as we drove on, we talked about flexibility. we talked about our actions having consequences on other people. we talked about not having control over much of what happens in life- like broken staplers-(or having kids with learning disorders) and we talked about having control over ourselves and our responses to life. we talked about choices.

"mommy next time i'll make a better choice, next time i'll be flexible."

but will i? will i be able to have faith in her- going on and out into the world to accomplish what ever God made her to do- big or small? what if temple grandins mom had not pushed her - different not less. what if annie had given up on helen keller? my mom used to say that raising kids was like putting pennies in the bank- sometimes it feels like with zoe-i'm putting $10 bills into a magic bank that changes each bill into a penny- so much effort and it takes so much more time.

but if i peel off the layer of the stapler scene fear, and really look into my heart- i do see her doing great things- small possibly, but none the less great things, because she already does. and because look at her progress!

"Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right"

no really- here comes the sun!!