this day. this day 15 years ago was the day i was finally going to meet my baby boy. it had been such a long waiting. then a complicated pregnancy and now it was going to happen. there was so much anticipation, attempts at over preparation, the medical community was almost afraid. but i wasn't. i just wanted to hold my boy.
the world is a crazy place. it can be hard to find and hear your own voice. it feels crazy now too so i remember back to then, 15 years ago when the world told me crazy stories about my son and tried to tell me what to do. fear can be so powerful and contagious but love can be bigger and it's so much better always.
with jude, we chose love. we listened inside. we listened to God and so when march 9th came and it was time to meet him i was so so excited.
my journey with jude from the start has felt like one of letting go. it's hard to explain, but because of his prenatal diagnoses and then early postnatal diagnoses, i had to hold him with open arms. deeply loved yet aware that he came from God and belongs to God. Samuel Jude- because i asked the Lord for him- and Praise the Lord. hannah who was barren- given samuel- and then she gave him back to God. she finally got her long awaited son and then she brought him to the temple and released him, in love, back to God.
love is the not control. part of loving is letting go, especially in parenting. after we grow babies, we then grow people. and they are much harder. yes, birthing people is much harder then birthing babies. it is also more fun, more interesting, life changing, joyful and sometimes more painful. sometimes the letting go can be especially hard when it feels like they are running away or closing up and this person who used to fit in your lap and play with your hair for comfort brushes past you to their room. because they had a bad day and maybe they know they need to find a way to do hard days with out you. and that's okay because they are becoming themSelves. and that becoming of Selves with a capital S is the best thing we can give our kids. that is love. that is letting go.
sometimes i have to ask mySelf if i'm a big enough Self to let him become his own Self. ouch. i have to leave some space. i have to tend to my own needs and not ask him to meet mine. you know? so we grow each other a bit. this life stuff is so cool because if we let it, we get to keep growing too.
so happy birthday Jude. capital J. for your amazing Self. may i be able to keep loving you and letting you grow into you apart from me. oh i love you so!
the world is a crazy place. it can be hard to find and hear your own voice. it feels crazy now too so i remember back to then, 15 years ago when the world told me crazy stories about my son and tried to tell me what to do. fear can be so powerful and contagious but love can be bigger and it's so much better always.
with jude, we chose love. we listened inside. we listened to God and so when march 9th came and it was time to meet him i was so so excited.
love is the not control. part of loving is letting go, especially in parenting. after we grow babies, we then grow people. and they are much harder. yes, birthing people is much harder then birthing babies. it is also more fun, more interesting, life changing, joyful and sometimes more painful. sometimes the letting go can be especially hard when it feels like they are running away or closing up and this person who used to fit in your lap and play with your hair for comfort brushes past you to their room. because they had a bad day and maybe they know they need to find a way to do hard days with out you. and that's okay because they are becoming themSelves. and that becoming of Selves with a capital S is the best thing we can give our kids. that is love. that is letting go.
sometimes i have to ask mySelf if i'm a big enough Self to let him become his own Self. ouch. i have to leave some space. i have to tend to my own needs and not ask him to meet mine. you know? so we grow each other a bit. this life stuff is so cool because if we let it, we get to keep growing too.
so happy birthday Jude. capital J. for your amazing Self. may i be able to keep loving you and letting you grow into you apart from me. oh i love you so!
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