not forever

i'm just sitting. quietly. not doing a thing. not thinking a thing.
just listening to the sounds of my life.
the beautiful stillness of  this day.
the quiet of 2 kids on the couch playing on a computer.
the strumming of my older sons guitar upstairs.
water running. 
my husband in the kitchen.

it's sunday morning.

the sun is coming on to the porch outside slowly lighting the day.
i'm wondering when things will bud, knowing it will be longer off than i want.
i'm noticing how the light moves.
and the wind.
so much goes on, all the time, that we don't even see, right in front of us.

i can be so focused on the wrong things. the small things. the things that directly affect me.
there is so much world out there.

i wake up through out the night with someone, something on my mind and pray it out and me back to sleep. my nights feel like conversations with God.

we are getting ready for church now. to sing and celebrate. to be called to remember the bigger things. the most important things. the deep deep love God has for each of us. giving and receiving forgiveness. to seek justice. to show mercy. to make peace. to practice stillness.   

yesterday i was reminded through a cousin, who was reminded through a friend,

no matter what.  whatever is happening. even in the hardest of seasons (and this one hasn't been easy). even when the answer to whatever the question is, is no. even when the door is shut. God is still God and He is still good. there seem to be so few constants anymore. this one i'm sure of.

how do i know? what is "good"? to me, good is presence. good is non-abandonment. good is faithfully giving peace and hope when there is no reason to have those things in a given situation, and no other explanation other than they are God given. 

i want the spring to come. i want the hot sun. i want this whole long hard season to end. i want the equator. i want my old life back now. red dirt. green everywhere. extremes. burning things. diesel fumes. surrounded by where i thought i always would be. where i felt most me in my skin.

sometimes i wake up in the morning from my conversations with God, and i'm crying because i'm not where i thought i would be when my eyes open.

so i go back to the light shifting. the wind moving. to the people on the couch folding laundry. the permanent truths- He is still good. justice still needs to be fought for, and peace practiced, love lived, forgiveness granted and stillness sought. 

this is not forever.