supposed to be like what?

the sun has set and the birds have been replaced by chirping frogs and insects. music from the club down the street carries differently in the evening- its sound is right here. we just came in from playing football- both types at once- while trying to chase the dogs away from the ball. it was after a dinner of chicken and chips - our last supper before we meet (again) with rose's birth family to try to move closer, after 5 years, to finalizing her adoption.

 it's been a long five years. a lot has happened and a lot has changed. i've changed. in many many ways- but even in the way of how i feel about her adoption. for a long time i carried a lot of ambivalence. i loved her and wanted her absolutely, but once i found out she had a birth mom and a large extended family, and then later on a birth father surfaced, i felt conflicted. it wasn't supposed to be like this. for anyone.

 so i worried about her birth mom. i worried about where her words came from. if she felt forced or coerced to say them- to not take her back. i worried that culturally she didn't have a voice. but all i had was her voice and her words and they said- 'take her, keep her, raise her'.

time when on. we saw the birth mom several times a year, and her mother (jaja) and their entire village. we were given the 'blessing' and welcomed into this unfamiliar family that became our family. but when ever legal issues came up, things changed. people dragged their feet and said they couldn't decide with out this person or that person. they hemmed and hawed about not wanting to completely let go, officially. and again, i was conflicted. i worried that they were voiceless. i imagined being in their place. i felt we couldn't rush them. i felt we needed to respect them.

time went on and years went on and as her legal guardians, we again went to the village and met with everyone to again try to settle this child's life in a permanent way. there was a program and niceties but again when legal talk began- so did the foot dragging.

now i can see that in the only voice i need to worry about is rose's voice. and that she is the one who has been silenced in this. she was left at 2. she had to do the work of learning another language and navigating a family of people that didn't look like her. she has to hold a different passport. she has to see these people who birthed her but haven't raised her and won't let her go, again and again, and she is tired and because she's a child, she is voiceless.

but she has a voice. a very clear one. her voice is fierce and bold and resilient. her voice is confident and smart and decisive. it's the one that calls me mom and mike dad. the one that calls over and over again to her brothers as they play and walk to school and laugh together. the one who helps her big sister again and again in her gentle, ever-forgiving manner. her voice doesn't understand why this is even an issue. she only has known us as family- even though she's seen these other people off and on for years now. yet her voice is too young to be heard.

so i have to be her voice. i have to no longer worry about the feelings of her birth mom or her grandmother - or anyone else really. i have to speak for my beautiful daughter however i can. because life is full of things that are 'not supposed to be like this'.

and this wasn't supposed to be like this. not for her birth family, not for our family, but mostly importantly and most of all it wasn't supposed to be like this for her. not this hard. not this long. not this complicated. not this messy.

but it is.

so maybe it was supposed to be like this. for reasons that we will possibly and probably never know.