sometime in november, when mike was away and i was single parenting, i was having moments of becoming easily frustrated with my 4 kids. i was finding myself doing more yelling than i wanted and more threatening the loss of things than i should have, and more feeling like 'poor me! why can't you people just stop doing the stuff i don't want you to do and start doing the stuff i'm asking you to do!' people were tired. people were done. all five of us wanted mike back.
and then i read a short facebook feel-good story about a tribe in africa (difficult to trace ) who deals with rule breaking in a very unique way. when someone in the community does something wrong, everyone gathers around them in a circle and recants every positive thing that person has ever done. they are told the good things about their character. they are reminded of who they are, that they are more than what they did. to know they are known not only for the harm they caused, but also for their contributions.
so i decided to revamp the consequence/ punishment scenario at our house. i decide to try it. (and given where people were, it didn't take long before i had an opportunity to do that.) the first offender, was zoe. interestingly... i can't remember what she did, but i called her down to the living room and the other 3 kids as well. zoe was angry- really angry- which is her usual response to getting in trouble (note- not apologetic but angry). then she became immediately suspicious because where was the yelling? and the loosing of things? i asked her to stand in the middle of the room under the overhead lamp and the rest gathered around. there was a lot of , "mom what are we doing?" and zoe fighting me on standing in the middle.
i told them that we were going to try something new. that zoe had disobeyed a rule, but that we still love her and find her valuable and so her punishment was to stand in the center while we take turns saying what we love about zoe, what is special about her, what good things she has done.
these people were totally befuddled. they looked at me as if i were doing the opposite of what i should be doing, as if i'd finally lost it.
"seriously?" jude asked.
zoe stood in the middle, with her arms folded tight across her chest and a twisted expression on her face.
"seriously" i said, "now who wants to go first?"
bryn spoke up. "i like that zoe likes to make people laugh."
zoe cracked a smile, arms still crossed in front.
jude was next, "well, i like that zoe sometimes shares her things." (note sometimes :)
her arms uncrossed and she was smiling, "really jude?"
rose said, "i like that zoe is always kind to me." (such a sweet thing to say- but totally not true!)
she was now totally relaxed, "well...not always" she said with a laugh.
my turn. it was my turn and i realized that i had forgotten what she'd done in the moments of listening to her siblings build her up. i realized that my anger at her bad behavior was gone and what i saw standing in front of me was a girl who i loved so much, who so desperately needed to hear her worth and value. a girl who can annoy the crap out of me, but has so many endearing and beautiful parts of her person. a girl who gets lost in her 'dis-ability', and who needs reminding of her ability. who needs to know that standing in the middle of the living room, she is surrounded by love, just as she is.
"i love that zoe loves animals. and that she gets people who others don't. i love that she takes risks and doesn't give up in socially challenging situations. i love that she quietly fake screams when she sees a vacuum. i love that she still laughs at children's books.."
"mom! it's my turn to say more about zoe!" bryn said.
it was this little miracle. right in front of my eyes, zoe was being gifted with soul healing words from her brothers and sister. right then and there, my other kids were seeing and hearing and speaking the value of their differently-abled sister.
it was transformative. joy replaced anger. the mood in the house shifted, not just for zoe, but for everyone. it became a safer place. a place where all of us can be- in our success and our failures. it was de-shaming. it was uniting.
and it kept going. she was thrilled. beaming really. and happiness is contagious.
when it wound down i told zoe that she was all of these things, and to remember that, but also to please remember to be obedient.
"when do i get to stand in the center?" said bryn.
"when you need it love. it's here."
and then i read a short facebook feel-good story about a tribe in africa (difficult to trace ) who deals with rule breaking in a very unique way. when someone in the community does something wrong, everyone gathers around them in a circle and recants every positive thing that person has ever done. they are told the good things about their character. they are reminded of who they are, that they are more than what they did. to know they are known not only for the harm they caused, but also for their contributions.
so i decided to revamp the consequence/ punishment scenario at our house. i decide to try it. (and given where people were, it didn't take long before i had an opportunity to do that.) the first offender, was zoe. interestingly... i can't remember what she did, but i called her down to the living room and the other 3 kids as well. zoe was angry- really angry- which is her usual response to getting in trouble (note- not apologetic but angry). then she became immediately suspicious because where was the yelling? and the loosing of things? i asked her to stand in the middle of the room under the overhead lamp and the rest gathered around. there was a lot of , "mom what are we doing?" and zoe fighting me on standing in the middle.
i told them that we were going to try something new. that zoe had disobeyed a rule, but that we still love her and find her valuable and so her punishment was to stand in the center while we take turns saying what we love about zoe, what is special about her, what good things she has done.
these people were totally befuddled. they looked at me as if i were doing the opposite of what i should be doing, as if i'd finally lost it.
"seriously?" jude asked.
zoe stood in the middle, with her arms folded tight across her chest and a twisted expression on her face.
"seriously" i said, "now who wants to go first?"
bryn spoke up. "i like that zoe likes to make people laugh."
zoe cracked a smile, arms still crossed in front.
jude was next, "well, i like that zoe sometimes shares her things." (note sometimes :)
her arms uncrossed and she was smiling, "really jude?"
rose said, "i like that zoe is always kind to me." (such a sweet thing to say- but totally not true!)
she was now totally relaxed, "well...not always" she said with a laugh.
my turn. it was my turn and i realized that i had forgotten what she'd done in the moments of listening to her siblings build her up. i realized that my anger at her bad behavior was gone and what i saw standing in front of me was a girl who i loved so much, who so desperately needed to hear her worth and value. a girl who can annoy the crap out of me, but has so many endearing and beautiful parts of her person. a girl who gets lost in her 'dis-ability', and who needs reminding of her ability. who needs to know that standing in the middle of the living room, she is surrounded by love, just as she is.
"i love that zoe loves animals. and that she gets people who others don't. i love that she takes risks and doesn't give up in socially challenging situations. i love that she quietly fake screams when she sees a vacuum. i love that she still laughs at children's books.."
"mom! it's my turn to say more about zoe!" bryn said.
it was this little miracle. right in front of my eyes, zoe was being gifted with soul healing words from her brothers and sister. right then and there, my other kids were seeing and hearing and speaking the value of their differently-abled sister.
it was transformative. joy replaced anger. the mood in the house shifted, not just for zoe, but for everyone. it became a safer place. a place where all of us can be- in our success and our failures. it was de-shaming. it was uniting.
and it kept going. she was thrilled. beaming really. and happiness is contagious.
when it wound down i told zoe that she was all of these things, and to remember that, but also to please remember to be obedient.
"when do i get to stand in the center?" said bryn.
"when you need it love. it's here."
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