this is what happens to me. i start a million times. i begin. i stop. i get tired. i leave it. i return. i have so much, and i have nothing. i am brave, and then i'm scared. i have so many parts and so little that's whole.
i'm studying for the medical boards because believe it or not, it's been 10 years since i first took them and it's time. i'm a really bad student. i'm distracted and i need noise, but not the kind of noise that comes with my life. i need the noises of strangers lives- like in a coffee shop- lives that don't know my name or need snacks or help with homework or general guidance. and i need music and lots of my own snacks and breaks and time, i need more time, because what happens is that after 10 years, i get called back- back to remembering where i was 10 years ago and what i was doing and feeling and thinking.
ten years ago, i was pregnant with jude, eating everything i could find especially if it had meat in it, and falling asleep in my books. ten years ago, i had friends who were studying for the medical boards too and could sit with me in coffee shops and listen to the voices of other peoples lives with me. ten years ago i was living in san francisco and had just finished residency- so i knew medicine well because i'd been doing it 100 hours a week for 3 years.
now, i'm old and tired and living in africa. i have no friends who are doctors, instead i have friends who are studying to finish high school and college. i haven't been practicing real american medicine in 3 years. and i have 4 kids who need things that usually involve me.
so it's hard.
i began with cardiology.
the heart.
i began with that thing that we define life with- the beating of our heart. i have been there when it stops- too many times here. i have put my head on skinny silent rib cages- too many times here- empty now because of cancer, not AIDS like it used to be.
the heart beats and moves things- but it also aches and it breaks and it's those things that make me wonder about the soul and where that is? that undeniable part of each of us- that part that looks for God and meaning and connection with each other. that part that likes to hide, or that we like to cover. that most vulnerable part- most powerful part- most important part. that mushy deep place that catches and holds so much joy and pain. that place that is so separate from the heart because the heart keeps going on and on even when the soul is broken, but that place that is only allowed in the body while the heart is there. when the heart stops- life leaves- the soul, it goes.
maybe because it needs movement. maybe the soul can't sit still. maybe it needs pumping- needs the constancy of it's path - to traverse the body- return for air and go again.
is it restless?
is it trapped in the body for however many years? running helter-skelter to find something that is only found in stopping? found in quiet. found outside of itself. found in the beginnings and the endings. found in the little moments. the frozen moments. the pause.
like yesterday- when i caught judes eyes- their blueness- their history- those eyes - how i've looked into them for years and wondered who he'd be, if he'd be, how he'd be.
or when i read the words of buechner,
"I'm as crippled as the dark world," Gildas said.
"If it comes to that, which one of us isn't, my dear?" Brendan said.
"To lend each other a hand when we're falling," Brendan said. "Perhaps that's the only work that matters in the end."
those times when i'm most humbled, brought low by life, reminded of my lack of control, reminded of my sameness (thank God), my shared brokenness. those times when i see the unity in it all, the common kite strings. those times when i know i have no answers except to open my hands. those times when i am able to open them. that is when i find and feel the soul. and that is when i know it sits- stilled- held- warmed- protected- (despite ALL i've done or not done in my chest ticking days)- in those forever everlasting arms.
i'm studying for the medical boards because believe it or not, it's been 10 years since i first took them and it's time. i'm a really bad student. i'm distracted and i need noise, but not the kind of noise that comes with my life. i need the noises of strangers lives- like in a coffee shop- lives that don't know my name or need snacks or help with homework or general guidance. and i need music and lots of my own snacks and breaks and time, i need more time, because what happens is that after 10 years, i get called back- back to remembering where i was 10 years ago and what i was doing and feeling and thinking.
ten years ago, i was pregnant with jude, eating everything i could find especially if it had meat in it, and falling asleep in my books. ten years ago, i had friends who were studying for the medical boards too and could sit with me in coffee shops and listen to the voices of other peoples lives with me. ten years ago i was living in san francisco and had just finished residency- so i knew medicine well because i'd been doing it 100 hours a week for 3 years.
now, i'm old and tired and living in africa. i have no friends who are doctors, instead i have friends who are studying to finish high school and college. i haven't been practicing real american medicine in 3 years. and i have 4 kids who need things that usually involve me.
so it's hard.
i began with cardiology.
the heart.
i began with that thing that we define life with- the beating of our heart. i have been there when it stops- too many times here. i have put my head on skinny silent rib cages- too many times here- empty now because of cancer, not AIDS like it used to be.
the heart beats and moves things- but it also aches and it breaks and it's those things that make me wonder about the soul and where that is? that undeniable part of each of us- that part that looks for God and meaning and connection with each other. that part that likes to hide, or that we like to cover. that most vulnerable part- most powerful part- most important part. that mushy deep place that catches and holds so much joy and pain. that place that is so separate from the heart because the heart keeps going on and on even when the soul is broken, but that place that is only allowed in the body while the heart is there. when the heart stops- life leaves- the soul, it goes.
maybe because it needs movement. maybe the soul can't sit still. maybe it needs pumping- needs the constancy of it's path - to traverse the body- return for air and go again.
is it restless?
is it trapped in the body for however many years? running helter-skelter to find something that is only found in stopping? found in quiet. found outside of itself. found in the beginnings and the endings. found in the little moments. the frozen moments. the pause.
like yesterday- when i caught judes eyes- their blueness- their history- those eyes - how i've looked into them for years and wondered who he'd be, if he'd be, how he'd be.
or when i read the words of buechner,
"I'm as crippled as the dark world," Gildas said.
"If it comes to that, which one of us isn't, my dear?" Brendan said.
"To lend each other a hand when we're falling," Brendan said. "Perhaps that's the only work that matters in the end."
those times when i'm most humbled, brought low by life, reminded of my lack of control, reminded of my sameness (thank God), my shared brokenness. those times when i see the unity in it all, the common kite strings. those times when i know i have no answers except to open my hands. those times when i am able to open them. that is when i find and feel the soul. and that is when i know it sits- stilled- held- warmed- protected- (despite ALL i've done or not done in my chest ticking days)- in those forever everlasting arms.
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