good bye again

i walked down the steps of my friend zoe's house with a jug of maple syrup in one hand and an even bigger jug of lotion in the other.  it was the 'spa' lotion.  the luxury she'd brought from home to ease being here.  and now that she is going and i am staying, i have inherited it.  but it's a cheap substitute.  i want her company and conversation and her wonderful family and her thoughts on our lives and her delicious food. but it's time.  she leaves in 6 days.

we sat on her porch, as always, except it was anything but 'always' because it was the beginning of goodbye.   again.  another one.  the one i've have known is coming, but now that it's here, i can barely stand it. that one.  we sat on her porch and talked and laughed and cried. whenever that awareness crept back in, whenever i thought about not sitting with her on the porch again, i started to cry.  and whenever i thought about that awful day when i really have to say goodbye- one week from now- i really cried- like right now.

zoe's life and zoe's house are filled with little jems, treasures that she's collected from places and people.  her life and her house are filled with meaning- because that is what she values.  knowing and being known. remembering. savoring.

we sat there and she glued back together a little pottery mug, because it was worth saving, because it was a memory. because these are things we take with us.

and we said things like 'it will be fine' and 'we know we will see each other again' and that we will always be friends. she told me that recently she got a card that sums it all up, "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

because it did happen. our lives happen.  they have these achingly beautiful parts and we meet amazing people and then we have to say goodbye.  we keep people with us- even when they are far away.  we hear them.  we know what they would do.  or say.  or think.  and we will smile a lot because they happened- in our lives. 

but i think it's actually okay to cry too.  i think it's okay to cry when it's over- because it is over. a chapter is over. a season has past.  and when things end it is sad.  when we have to say goodbye it does hurt.

this week will be hard.  it will be full of goodbye and then next week will begin and it will be a new place- a new chapter- a new season.  we will all get up and make coffee or tea and hustle our kids out of bed and start our days. 

some of us will hope we remembered to turn on the hot water heater and hope we have power and that the internet isn't down.  some of us will be remembering to think in dollars not shillings, and that once you purchase a phone plan, you don't need to go buy airtime all the time.

but all of us will hold onto the moments that we lived our lives together- over here in this place most americans don't ever get to call home- with our trees full of monkeys and our feet always stained with the redness of the earth.