today i found a lizard in my underwear drawer. i didn't really care, until i realized why he was in there. i had hid the chocolate valentines candy that someone brought from america in that drawer. and to be honest, i hadn't hidden it there so that the kids wouldn't find it before friday, i had hidden it there so that I could eat it. slowly by slowly. perhaps it was divine intervention.
the other night, i listened to a TEDtalk that someone sent me on compassion. i sat there entranced and loving it, not just what was being said, but because something was being said that was interesting and provocative. because there were so many ideas, and her sentences were so packed full. even the title a linguistic resurrection for reconnecting with compassion was full and calling.
it gave me pause. it made me realize something that i really miss. really.
i miss input. i miss stimulation. i miss new ideas or old ideas in new ways. i miss outside of the box thinking. i miss this in my ears and in my eyes, i miss this in my mind. i miss this in every arena of my life. at work. at church. and even on the playground. in the paper. and in down time. i miss new music, i miss the constancy of exposure, art museums, seasonal festivals, live jazz, art films, book readings, academic lectures, late night TV talk shows. i began to thirst for my american culture- meaning what was available at my fingertips.
the TEDtalk made some really great points about compassion, it also made me feel the paucity of input in my life these days. and that was hard.
hording reeces valentine hearts. picking through a bag of candy to remove the pieces that hare half lizard eaten. deciding which of the 4 messages asking for financial help i should or can respond to. deciding if we should make the drive into kampala for date night- or just skip it because it's so far. having simple conversations about things because of language or cultural barriers, or having the same conversations with those who get it- conversations about the coming here, or the leaving of here, or the hardness of here- or even the beauty of here- but that's not input - it's important and it's processing - but it can also feel like it's not living.
i think it's here- in the space of feeling that absence - that i can feel swallowed by africa. that i can feel lost or changed or disconnected. it's when i feel the 'sacrifice' of being here. i miss higher level thinking that is not just about fixing something. i miss a challenge that i'm not the only solution for. i miss hearing other peoples solutions. i miss the bigger picture. the abstraction.
i spend so much time problem solving small stuff. how and where to get this test done for this person, or this medicine for that person, or how to keep insulin cold for someone who doesn't have refrigeration. or helping other people problem solve their lives- how to save for this or pay back that. and it takes a lot of time and energy and effort.
and so does the living of life here. i mean it takes a lot of time to look through candy and examine it for lizard teeth! living here takes longer. living here take more work. even little thing... for example, you can't buy a gallon of milk in a container that pours.... you buy 1 liter bags of milk and you freeze them so they stay fresh and then you have to remember to unfreeze them and then cut them (which requires finding the pair of scissors that works) and pour them into a pitcher. (which is also 1 liter so it fits in the small fridge or worse yet, the recycled less than a liter mayonnaise jar because your 4th liter pitcher shattered).. it's the little things. time. effort. maybe that is why week after week i'm amazed at how little i've accomplished. how little i've written. how little i actually have to say.
but the truth is, the little bits of living are the living. and the small things are important and valuable. there are season of rich input, and seasons of needed output, and the biggest needed inputs i do have- the word of God- the love of people- the beauty of the world. they are sustaining and life giving. and how amazing to live in a time and place where i can watch a TEDtalk while monkeys jump the trees in my front yard.
the other night, i listened to a TEDtalk that someone sent me on compassion. i sat there entranced and loving it, not just what was being said, but because something was being said that was interesting and provocative. because there were so many ideas, and her sentences were so packed full. even the title a linguistic resurrection for reconnecting with compassion was full and calling.
it gave me pause. it made me realize something that i really miss. really.
i miss input. i miss stimulation. i miss new ideas or old ideas in new ways. i miss outside of the box thinking. i miss this in my ears and in my eyes, i miss this in my mind. i miss this in every arena of my life. at work. at church. and even on the playground. in the paper. and in down time. i miss new music, i miss the constancy of exposure, art museums, seasonal festivals, live jazz, art films, book readings, academic lectures, late night TV talk shows. i began to thirst for my american culture- meaning what was available at my fingertips.
the TEDtalk made some really great points about compassion, it also made me feel the paucity of input in my life these days. and that was hard.
hording reeces valentine hearts. picking through a bag of candy to remove the pieces that hare half lizard eaten. deciding which of the 4 messages asking for financial help i should or can respond to. deciding if we should make the drive into kampala for date night- or just skip it because it's so far. having simple conversations about things because of language or cultural barriers, or having the same conversations with those who get it- conversations about the coming here, or the leaving of here, or the hardness of here- or even the beauty of here- but that's not input - it's important and it's processing - but it can also feel like it's not living.
i think it's here- in the space of feeling that absence - that i can feel swallowed by africa. that i can feel lost or changed or disconnected. it's when i feel the 'sacrifice' of being here. i miss higher level thinking that is not just about fixing something. i miss a challenge that i'm not the only solution for. i miss hearing other peoples solutions. i miss the bigger picture. the abstraction.
i spend so much time problem solving small stuff. how and where to get this test done for this person, or this medicine for that person, or how to keep insulin cold for someone who doesn't have refrigeration. or helping other people problem solve their lives- how to save for this or pay back that. and it takes a lot of time and energy and effort.
and so does the living of life here. i mean it takes a lot of time to look through candy and examine it for lizard teeth! living here takes longer. living here take more work. even little thing... for example, you can't buy a gallon of milk in a container that pours.... you buy 1 liter bags of milk and you freeze them so they stay fresh and then you have to remember to unfreeze them and then cut them (which requires finding the pair of scissors that works) and pour them into a pitcher. (which is also 1 liter so it fits in the small fridge or worse yet, the recycled less than a liter mayonnaise jar because your 4th liter pitcher shattered).. it's the little things. time. effort. maybe that is why week after week i'm amazed at how little i've accomplished. how little i've written. how little i actually have to say.
but the truth is, the little bits of living are the living. and the small things are important and valuable. there are season of rich input, and seasons of needed output, and the biggest needed inputs i do have- the word of God- the love of people- the beauty of the world. they are sustaining and life giving. and how amazing to live in a time and place where i can watch a TEDtalk while monkeys jump the trees in my front yard.
1 comment:
Just discovered your blog and I am a fan already!!!! Write-On!!!! We need you. Thank you for doing- living-being who you are, and sharing that beauty with us!
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