its a hard but almost warm rain and the sky nearby is bright. i am on this journey- it's a spiritual journey and like all journeys maybe starting is the hardest part. you get sore. the kinks need to be worked out. you need to find your rhythm. so here i am on the rocky beginnings of a journey. one of the things i've been reading and reflecting on is something i read from the center for action and contemplation:
"the path of descent is the path of transformation. Darkness, failure, relapse, death and woundedness are our primary teachers, rather than ideas or doctrines."
another one of the readings was the story of peter walking on the water toward Jesus. he is in a boat with the other guys- they see Jesus walking on the water toward the boat- they think he's a ghost- they are terrified- he tells them not to worry it's just him- peter doubts. peter says: if it's you, than command me to walk on the water to you and i will come. he steps out of the boat in faith. his faith enabled him to do the impossible- but then his doubt causes him to sink. when he fixed his eyes on his Lord, he could do great things, when he looked away, when he looked around him at the absurdity of what he was doing, at the waves and the surrounding storm, he fell into the deep. but. then he cried out. then he asked for help and immediately Jesus took his hand.
there is so much in that. Jesus didn't say "come on peter! try harder! have faith! look at me!" no. Jesus reached out to him- Jesus took him by the hand and got him back in the boat.
fast foward to the last supper- Jesus is talking to his friends- he is predicting his death and resurrection. it is the night that he will be betrayed. Jesus tells them that their faith will be shaken. there is peter. he is so confident. he knows himself. he's learned his lesson about faith and doubt- he remembers that boat and that storm and walking on that water. boldly he speaks- not i- no- not me- i know all about faith and mine will never be shaken. and Jesus calls him out. peter- this very night- you will deny me, not once, but three times before the rooster crows. and what does peter say? even if i must die with you i will not deny you!
can you imagine what he must have felt less than 12 hours later when he heard that early morning call- that echoing screeching in his ears? that deep ache at his betrayal. that sore spot of his failure to correct his biggest challenge - shaky faith. he went out and wept bitterly.
bitterly. i can taste that. its that sick feeling of never seeming to get it right. of the constancy of our inability to do and speak and love and be the way we want. our daily struggle with faith and our humanity.
again, like adam and eve who were walking with God in the garden and still messed it up, here is peter walking with God wearing skin- and even being warned that he will mess it up, and he still messes it up too!
but it doesn't end there- and that is the absolute beauty of Jesus. He meets us where we are- sinking wet feet in deep water, or as the sun is rising and we are weeping bitterly. He transforms. He uses our failures and our weakness and our dark hours to teach us and grow us and strengthen us. look at what happens to peter. he is the rock on whom the church (lower case letters) is built. He chooses peter- maybe because he finally got it. he finally saw his arrogance and his brokenness and in humility he returns. he doesn't run away in shame like judas does. he allows his path of descent to transform him. but it is Jesus who brings the healing- Jesus who calls him out again- to know his true transformed self- peter, do you love me? not once, but three times he asks this. He covers his denials with a question about love- and a command to feed his sheep.
and that is what peter does. i am one of those sheep- being fed by his lessons, by his woundedness, by his transformation. i am so thankful for peter. for those who have walked before me. for those who have lived through the paths of descent and been transformed. as here i am, on this journey........
"the path of descent is the path of transformation. Darkness, failure, relapse, death and woundedness are our primary teachers, rather than ideas or doctrines."
another one of the readings was the story of peter walking on the water toward Jesus. he is in a boat with the other guys- they see Jesus walking on the water toward the boat- they think he's a ghost- they are terrified- he tells them not to worry it's just him- peter doubts. peter says: if it's you, than command me to walk on the water to you and i will come. he steps out of the boat in faith. his faith enabled him to do the impossible- but then his doubt causes him to sink. when he fixed his eyes on his Lord, he could do great things, when he looked away, when he looked around him at the absurdity of what he was doing, at the waves and the surrounding storm, he fell into the deep. but. then he cried out. then he asked for help and immediately Jesus took his hand.
there is so much in that. Jesus didn't say "come on peter! try harder! have faith! look at me!" no. Jesus reached out to him- Jesus took him by the hand and got him back in the boat.
fast foward to the last supper- Jesus is talking to his friends- he is predicting his death and resurrection. it is the night that he will be betrayed. Jesus tells them that their faith will be shaken. there is peter. he is so confident. he knows himself. he's learned his lesson about faith and doubt- he remembers that boat and that storm and walking on that water. boldly he speaks- not i- no- not me- i know all about faith and mine will never be shaken. and Jesus calls him out. peter- this very night- you will deny me, not once, but three times before the rooster crows. and what does peter say? even if i must die with you i will not deny you!
can you imagine what he must have felt less than 12 hours later when he heard that early morning call- that echoing screeching in his ears? that deep ache at his betrayal. that sore spot of his failure to correct his biggest challenge - shaky faith. he went out and wept bitterly.
bitterly. i can taste that. its that sick feeling of never seeming to get it right. of the constancy of our inability to do and speak and love and be the way we want. our daily struggle with faith and our humanity.
again, like adam and eve who were walking with God in the garden and still messed it up, here is peter walking with God wearing skin- and even being warned that he will mess it up, and he still messes it up too!
but it doesn't end there- and that is the absolute beauty of Jesus. He meets us where we are- sinking wet feet in deep water, or as the sun is rising and we are weeping bitterly. He transforms. He uses our failures and our weakness and our dark hours to teach us and grow us and strengthen us. look at what happens to peter. he is the rock on whom the church (lower case letters) is built. He chooses peter- maybe because he finally got it. he finally saw his arrogance and his brokenness and in humility he returns. he doesn't run away in shame like judas does. he allows his path of descent to transform him. but it is Jesus who brings the healing- Jesus who calls him out again- to know his true transformed self- peter, do you love me? not once, but three times he asks this. He covers his denials with a question about love- and a command to feed his sheep.
and that is what peter does. i am one of those sheep- being fed by his lessons, by his woundedness, by his transformation. i am so thankful for peter. for those who have walked before me. for those who have lived through the paths of descent and been transformed. as here i am, on this journey........
1 comment:
This one is very thought-provoking...
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