lately things have been hard for me on the inside. lately i've been overwhelmed. lately i've not been particularly thankful. lately i've been feeling far far away, despite the same moon.
mike was away again, just one night, but when you've lived more of your life with someone than without them, it feels off balance. in fact that sums it up- lately i've been off balance, i've been limping, i've been grappling for i don't know what- but something- something i don't seem to have.
when mike walked in the door, that keeper of my broken whole heart, and i heard myself talk, i heard all the different names that the 'something i'm reaching for' has.
more organization.
more time.
more reserve.
more capacity.
less demands.
less needs to respond to.
less driving.
but none of them are really what i need. getting more time or more capacity isn't going to make things easy on the inside, it isn't going to rebalance me. what all of these things have in common is - a lack of thanksgiving for what i do have- the time, the reserve, the capacity, even the demands and the needs and the (dare i say it...) driving. (well, thanksgiving and better boundaries..)
my neighbor brought over a book yesterday called "one thousand gifts" by ann voskamp. and i've just started it, but so far she talks a lot about the limping and grappling and feeling our way around in the dark of our lives trying desperately to get away from the emptiness and hold something full and wonderous. i get that- we all get that- it's life. but what God wants for us is the full and the wonderous and the mystery and the wow. God wants us to be deeply satisfied. but. it's not about waiting for good things to befall us. it's not about trying to manipulate our worlds to be where we think we'll find happiness. it's about the surrender and the letting go and the openness of our hands and it's about turning around and looking at our life straight in the face and saying 'thanks'. it's about our choice to embrace what our days are made of- even the very ugliest and hardest parts. there is the blessing. that is when our eyes open to the fullness. that is when we receive the joy - the 'something'.
i often re-read my life. i look back and see where i was a year ago- i read what my days were like then. last night i was reading back and searching for a piece of that something that i'm struggling to find these days. this week last year i was in kenya at the CMDA conference. i was walking in the tea fields and i was filled with joy and peace but i was still searching- i was wondering who i am here and what i'm to do. the last day of the conference i had a revelation. after taking communion, during a time of prayer, i felt for the first time ever, thankful for zoe's differences and all the challenges we've been through with her. i actually could pray a prayer of thanks and mean it. it was the first time i'd looked that large part of my life in the face and been able to say 'thank you'- even though i wouldn't have chosen that path for her, or for me- even though it has been so hard- even though it isn't over- but a continual challenge. it was a revelation because i felt whole, i felt the tethered parts untether, i felt free.
so today i walked up monkey hill and i breathed. i started to say 'thank you' for some very small things, like the butterfly in front of me, and the path that i walk on that leads to an amazing view. i said thank you for neighbors who bring good books and thank you for the written words of others that bring renewal. and thank you for that email from my dear dad, and the voice of my dear old friend across the phone and the ocean, and i said thank you for second chances, and third and fourth chances and that everyday is new. and the more i walked and the more i thanked - the blessing grew -and the 'something' i was grasping for began to fade, and my feet felt the ground solidly and i began to re-balance.
mike was away again, just one night, but when you've lived more of your life with someone than without them, it feels off balance. in fact that sums it up- lately i've been off balance, i've been limping, i've been grappling for i don't know what- but something- something i don't seem to have.
when mike walked in the door, that keeper of my broken whole heart, and i heard myself talk, i heard all the different names that the 'something i'm reaching for' has.
more organization.
more time.
more reserve.
more capacity.
less demands.
less needs to respond to.
less driving.
but none of them are really what i need. getting more time or more capacity isn't going to make things easy on the inside, it isn't going to rebalance me. what all of these things have in common is - a lack of thanksgiving for what i do have- the time, the reserve, the capacity, even the demands and the needs and the (dare i say it...) driving. (well, thanksgiving and better boundaries..)
my neighbor brought over a book yesterday called "one thousand gifts" by ann voskamp. and i've just started it, but so far she talks a lot about the limping and grappling and feeling our way around in the dark of our lives trying desperately to get away from the emptiness and hold something full and wonderous. i get that- we all get that- it's life. but what God wants for us is the full and the wonderous and the mystery and the wow. God wants us to be deeply satisfied. but. it's not about waiting for good things to befall us. it's not about trying to manipulate our worlds to be where we think we'll find happiness. it's about the surrender and the letting go and the openness of our hands and it's about turning around and looking at our life straight in the face and saying 'thanks'. it's about our choice to embrace what our days are made of- even the very ugliest and hardest parts. there is the blessing. that is when our eyes open to the fullness. that is when we receive the joy - the 'something'.
i often re-read my life. i look back and see where i was a year ago- i read what my days were like then. last night i was reading back and searching for a piece of that something that i'm struggling to find these days. this week last year i was in kenya at the CMDA conference. i was walking in the tea fields and i was filled with joy and peace but i was still searching- i was wondering who i am here and what i'm to do. the last day of the conference i had a revelation. after taking communion, during a time of prayer, i felt for the first time ever, thankful for zoe's differences and all the challenges we've been through with her. i actually could pray a prayer of thanks and mean it. it was the first time i'd looked that large part of my life in the face and been able to say 'thank you'- even though i wouldn't have chosen that path for her, or for me- even though it has been so hard- even though it isn't over- but a continual challenge. it was a revelation because i felt whole, i felt the tethered parts untether, i felt free.
so today i walked up monkey hill and i breathed. i started to say 'thank you' for some very small things, like the butterfly in front of me, and the path that i walk on that leads to an amazing view. i said thank you for neighbors who bring good books and thank you for the written words of others that bring renewal. and thank you for that email from my dear dad, and the voice of my dear old friend across the phone and the ocean, and i said thank you for second chances, and third and fourth chances and that everyday is new. and the more i walked and the more i thanked - the blessing grew -and the 'something' i was grasping for began to fade, and my feet felt the ground solidly and i began to re-balance.
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