living in these walls

yesterday i went for a run.  my first run since i've arrived in africa.  it wasn't exactly the process time i needed- i felt more like i did in costa rica- like this tall white girl gangling along the paths, weaving between students stares as i headed for the track.  but.  it was good to feel like i was inside my skin again.  good to have the parts working together.  good to get blood to the brain early in the morning.  good to feel the pain and tired that comes with not having run in 3 months- to be reminded before i jumped into my day with zoe- that life doesn't always feel good and that there is work involved- but also to be reminded of gentleness.  i had planned to run a mile on the track- but only did 1/2 a mile, i was able to be gentle with myself- to allow myself to ease into it.  but mostly i felt refreshed and able to not take it all so personally. 

because this week, i've been taking it personally. this week i'm having engine trouble in the home-schooling realm of my world.  we've had several 'off' days.  and i do me "we"- zoe and me.  mostly these days serve as a way for me to blatantly see my lack of skills.  i mean, i really struggle with being flexible, with not 'accomplishing' things, with 'going with the flow' but in my defense, 'the flow' feels more like being stuck in peanut butter.  i get so irritated when she's not doing the basics- like copying her three sentence quote- or when she decides to just leave the breakfast table to see the new, used dryer, and turns on the washing machine- which is already full of clean clothes.  it just irks me.  and what's worse is that i take it personally.  add to it that i have an audience. all. the. time.

florence, who i love, is in our house, every day, all day.  she has a relatively non-intrusive presence - but the presence of anyone in our space while trying to teach, trying to be patient, trying to sit and refocus someone again, and again, is very hard for me.  i feel watched and evaluated.  i mean she can hear everything that comes out of my mouth.  i can't explain it, i'm sure it's just me, but i feel examined, under the microscope, kind of naked.


so the past couple of days, i've decided to move the home-school spot out of our home and into our "study" aka- junk room.
note the comparison. 

living room

sitting area/ dining room

home-school/ junk room

yes that is a table saw in the middle of the room, and dissembled bunk beds and our trusty white board.

so what is the answer?  to redo the 'study'?  to create a good home school space?  that will help- yes.
to be more tolerant of someone being in our house? yes- definitely. 
to be more forgiving of zoe? -yes, of course. 
to be more forgiving of myself?- yes-that too.

also, i need to get up- to smell the fresh air- to remove myself from these cement walls- to get it together yo'.
to return to those little routines that balance me out.  those things that help me to actually practice tolerance and forgiveness. 
a nice room is great.  but a peaceful spirit is life-giving.