today is my last tuesday to gallivant around town.
i woke up this morning and didn't feel like coming in to kampala after dropping the boys. i thought about returning to mukono, back to the beautiful campus, but then i remembered that i'll be at home with zoe for the next 2 days and will be mildly stir crazy, and i remembered that next week i start work at Reach Out clinic and will soon be craving some time alone- craving reflection.
life in kampala, at least the places i go, seems very expat-y. very muzungu. the coffee shop is filled half with ugandans and half with expats. the market and the "mall" are the same. banana boat- is all muzungu. but getting to kampala, watching all the thousands of people walking and riding to and from town, is fully ugandan. so the drive is much more real and much more interesting. i love to read the matatus (as i've shared before) and attempt to translate the luganda writing some of them have on the back. and i love the women in heels in the mud, and i love the random tee-shirts people wear. today my favorites were: a woman in ' i (heart) china' and a man in ' got DSL?'
but i'm craving seeing patients again. craving doing what i came here to do. i'm ready to stop gallivanting and be thrown in and use what i've been trained to do. i'm ready to struggle to understand luganda in real time and to understand the concrete needs and think about the best way to help meet the need. i'm ready to live in some different 'needs of the day' and to have my feet take me back to the other parts of me. i'm ready to begin to see and feel the world- this world- here.
i've been reading buechner and thinking about these things- about need, God, our places in the world, our connectedness. last night after the kids were in bed, we sat and discussed theology by candlelight, mike and i, his parents and our friend/visitor. we talked about the differences in liturgy and church doctrine and the place/ role of priests versus parishioners in confession and the definition of 'the church' and the relationship between community and the individual and God.
theology: "the systematic and rational study of religion and its influences and of the nature of religious truths" (wikipedia)
it was a good conversation, we shared, i learned some things from some very wise people. but, i don't like talking about 'theology'. looking around at creation and the world, i'm sure God is very systematic and things are rational, but there has been very little system, order or rationality in my experience of God. my life has been full of beautiful messes- flowers blooming out of cracked pavement- experiencing the divine in the darkness of a hospital basement with my infant son swallowed in an MRI machine. my experience of God has been his showing up where i wouldn't expect, his joining in the ugly of my life, finding his answer to a prayer very well disguised in a gay antique dealer, or a formerly homeless poet veteran. so talking about theology is like watching the previews or only eating the salad. i want the feature, the meat- the life changing realness that comes from following God in the disorder, because it's not rational, because it often bucks the system. i crave the sharing of these things, and less an orderly discussion of which is better the 'smells and bells' or the 'Gad, we just...' forms of worship. because really, i just don't think God cares. He loves us whether we go to him through a priest or on our knees in the shower out of pure desperation. and for that, i am so thankful.
my african tea is gone. the coffee shop is half full. the people here are all shapes and shades and languages- all made, all loved, all full of needs, all with feet taking them to the different places that they are. here is the world.
“Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid.”
(buechner)
i woke up this morning and didn't feel like coming in to kampala after dropping the boys. i thought about returning to mukono, back to the beautiful campus, but then i remembered that i'll be at home with zoe for the next 2 days and will be mildly stir crazy, and i remembered that next week i start work at Reach Out clinic and will soon be craving some time alone- craving reflection.
life in kampala, at least the places i go, seems very expat-y. very muzungu. the coffee shop is filled half with ugandans and half with expats. the market and the "mall" are the same. banana boat- is all muzungu. but getting to kampala, watching all the thousands of people walking and riding to and from town, is fully ugandan. so the drive is much more real and much more interesting. i love to read the matatus (as i've shared before) and attempt to translate the luganda writing some of them have on the back. and i love the women in heels in the mud, and i love the random tee-shirts people wear. today my favorites were: a woman in ' i (heart) china' and a man in ' got DSL?'
but i'm craving seeing patients again. craving doing what i came here to do. i'm ready to stop gallivanting and be thrown in and use what i've been trained to do. i'm ready to struggle to understand luganda in real time and to understand the concrete needs and think about the best way to help meet the need. i'm ready to live in some different 'needs of the day' and to have my feet take me back to the other parts of me. i'm ready to begin to see and feel the world- this world- here.
i've been reading buechner and thinking about these things- about need, God, our places in the world, our connectedness. last night after the kids were in bed, we sat and discussed theology by candlelight, mike and i, his parents and our friend/visitor. we talked about the differences in liturgy and church doctrine and the place/ role of priests versus parishioners in confession and the definition of 'the church' and the relationship between community and the individual and God.
theology: "the systematic and rational study of religion and its influences and of the nature of religious truths" (wikipedia)
it was a good conversation, we shared, i learned some things from some very wise people. but, i don't like talking about 'theology'. looking around at creation and the world, i'm sure God is very systematic and things are rational, but there has been very little system, order or rationality in my experience of God. my life has been full of beautiful messes- flowers blooming out of cracked pavement- experiencing the divine in the darkness of a hospital basement with my infant son swallowed in an MRI machine. my experience of God has been his showing up where i wouldn't expect, his joining in the ugly of my life, finding his answer to a prayer very well disguised in a gay antique dealer, or a formerly homeless poet veteran. so talking about theology is like watching the previews or only eating the salad. i want the feature, the meat- the life changing realness that comes from following God in the disorder, because it's not rational, because it often bucks the system. i crave the sharing of these things, and less an orderly discussion of which is better the 'smells and bells' or the 'Gad, we just...' forms of worship. because really, i just don't think God cares. He loves us whether we go to him through a priest or on our knees in the shower out of pure desperation. and for that, i am so thankful.
my african tea is gone. the coffee shop is half full. the people here are all shapes and shades and languages- all made, all loved, all full of needs, all with feet taking them to the different places that they are. here is the world.
“Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid.”
(buechner)
2 comments:
Fabulous quotation by Buechner.
Beautiful, Kris. Thanks for my daily vitamin! I needed it. So much love to, dear friend.
Erin
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