the little things

it's still 90+ degrees outside. i know i shouldn't be surprised, but i am. i am so ready for fall, or even just a cool breeze, but one that lasts would be even better.

i grew up in new england. the home of fall. the motherland of the 'back to school' feeling. where the weather helped move you along out of the pool and into the classroom. i miss that. i miss it for my kids. and while time seems to go so quickly now, summer just won't budge.

maybe i'm just looking for something to blame my bad mood on. it's hot and i'm crabby. and mike's been away and the kids are making me crazy and i'm crabby. but really it's about me not them, not the weather. it's my restless heart- that thing i'm trying to get to be still.

i think zoe is learning this faster than i am. she's doing great. really. shhhhh. our first week of homeschooling has been as smooth as it gets for us- and i'm so thankful, so deeply thankful for that.

yesterday we went to the market- the same one as the 'little begonias' entry- and she wanted to by flowers and i had a flashback - to last summer- to her ongoing obsessiveness, to her inability to get out of her own head, and i felt my own rigidity, my spine tighten. then i remembered we're not in last summer, and i took a breath and she followed directions and picked a planted sunflower for under three dollars (which was the direction)- and we moved on.

it's so easy to take it for granted when things are going well. to up the bar even. i sometimes find myself getting more upset with her over less significant things. like, "oh if you can handle that, why can't you function 100% of the time at this level". sometimes in her good spots, my bad spots come out. like i have a harder time functioning without her glaring disability (ironic since i like to blame my poor parenting moments on how tough life is with a child like her). no, once again, it's me. my problem, my need to be independently OK and to teach that- to model that.
there is a good and terrifying quote:

"Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you."

except that they're listening as well - to our words, our voice, our choices. it's so much harder than it looks, for me anyway.

so i'm amazed that after 11 years in this business of parenting, i'm still struggling with the same things- the same annoyances-

can you just pick up the legos before you go outside, so i don't step on them
can you just shut the door, so we don't air-condition the neighborhood
can you stop hitting the dog
can you share
can you not squeeze your brothers head
can you just stop whining!!!

what about me?

can i just stop yelling
can i just stop caring so much about that stuff?
would it kill me to close the door sometimes, or put down the toilet seat for them?

maybe someday i'll get it right- probably not.

and while i was in my mode of uber frustration at the messes and the whining and the fighting, in walks zoe and asks, "where's lily?"

now lily and zoe had walked up to CVS together to get somethings and here is zoe, alone, asking for lily.

"WHAT!! she is supposed to be with you!"

"but i got lost from her at CVS while i was looking at the videos and i couldn't find her so i left and came home. and on the way home a man said, what's your name little girl?"

all i could think about was poor lily in CVS worrying like crazy that zoe was lost or stolen or strayed. all i could think about was that zoe could have been lost or stolen or strayed, and what kind of a man asks a small girl what there name is? a creepy one, that's who!

so i threw the kids in the car and drove up to find lily. and she was fine- a little shaken up but very relieved. and it was a teachable moment. and luckily, after years of practicing scenarios with her, zoe had said nothing to the creepy man, and ran the rest of the way home. luckily she knew the way home, and made the choice to come home and not wandered off to "find" her friend. phewww!!

the grace came in seeing that all those little things that get at me, are really just little things. i need to stop letting them disturb the peace. i need to be still and embrace the chaos. because how awful would life be if one of those little pieces were gone, if there were no yelling, or head squeezing or whining. i need to grow a peaceful soul to nurture their little souls. let love and sweetness pour out, because that is so much more important than stepped on legos, open doors and toilet seats.

God give me the grace to remember this- to live it- and then in the stillness will be the dancing.