to the boys

i've been thinking about my boys.  thinking about their lives- their extra challenges in being a part of this particular family.  their life with someone who is wired slightly differently.   the one they look to, the one who sets the tone, the one who doesn't always act the part or accept her role as the oldest.  how they have to live with the disproportionate time spent- how they know nothing else.  it's hard and sometimes i get mad for them.  and sometimes i get mad for me.

this weekend we were in north carolina at my parents mountain house.  "we" is me and the kids- mike was climbing mount whitney on the west coast.  so i was on the single parent path- which can be exhausting- especially with those kids who alone seems to need two full time parents.  so i was feeling stretched- i was feeling thin.

the last night we were there, i had put the boys to bed- ok- i had put them in their bed and gone on to help move zoe along.  i found her setting up a chess game (which she doesn't know how to play) and reporting that she was going to play checkers with ama (my mom). but it was her bed time- and i might not ordinarily have cared that much except that i'd found her sitting outside in the full moon feeding the dog dog biscuits at 2 am the night before- so she needed to go to bed and so did i. i told her it wasn't happening and that she needed to brush her teeth, and get her pajamas on and go to bed.

you'd think i'd asked her to eat nails.  she was enraged.  not at having to go to bed- but at me for being the one telling her to go to bed. and it blew up into this nasty mess for her and she couldn't let it go. i however kept relatively cool - for once. but the point of the story is that it took a long time for her to settle out and for me to try to help her shrink it back to reality and in the meantime- bryn had come out of his bedroom and had been asking for me. 

tell him, i'll be there when i can - i told my brother.

a few minutes later i heard- bryn still wants you and is calling for you.

tell him i'll be there soon.

again.  and my reply the same.

finally, i got her to bed and went quickly down to see him- but it was too late, and he was sound asleep.


so this is dedicated to jude and bryn.  really, to all the little brothers and sisters of kids who have needs- special needs- different needs- needs that take a lot of time and energy away from the other kids. it's for all the times you guys get quiet and real good when zoe's having a meltdown.  its for reminding her - nicely usually - that she's alread told you that four times or to stop flapping during the funny part of the movie- even though you're only five.  it's for those forgiving looks and extra hugs and kisses you give me when you know things have been rough. for bringing me your blankies when i have a migraine. it's for driving 45 mins each way three times a week for your sisters therapy - in 100 degree weather - and trying not to fight. it's for all the times you love her and except her just as she is.  it's because you love her and she is who you bounce off of as you become your own people. and because you say things like, " mom, i love you all the way to saturn and then to the moon and then back to saturn and then back again" in your squeeky three year old voice, even though  i never made it down to kiss you one more time that other night.