it is well with my soul

it's july. it's been cooler than june- thank God. i guess i've been busy, and that things have been good- because i usually am more prone to writing when things are rough- to get it out. and things have been fairly even.

i was watching zoe at the pool yesterday. i was remarking at the difference from last summer, and it's pretty amazing. for one thing- she can really swim now- she's all over the pool, underwater, doing handstands- diving for rings- and having underwater tea parties- she's gotten to the place where she can play in the water comfortably- where she can connect with other kids- because she's able to do the things they do- play the games they like- at least some of them.

but more than that- she is able to make friends in a more mature way- she's more confident- and she's OK with getting a "no".

last summer was very formulaic.
"Hi i'm zoe- what's your name?"
"i'm jane."
"hi jane- how old are you?"
"six"
"oh, i'm 10. do you want to be friends?"

and if the kid said no- she would get upset- or turn to the next kid (literally next to 'jane') and repeat her dialogue. it was awkward.

now- it is much more generic- organic- real. there is still some scriptedness to it- but she doesn't always reveal her age, and she doesn't always ask to "be friends" but more "do you want to play".

last summer, it was an ordeal to even get to a place where she even wanted to make friends- because she was so upset with just trying to swim. i remember not being able to handle having her and her brothers at the same time for very long. she required so much, and they were 4 and 2. it seemed so unfair. she was in such a place of turmoil and tension- but they had needs too- i was very overwhelmed.

yesterday- we all went to the pool. i had thought that some of her friends might be there and made the potential mistake of telling her this. when we got there- i was wrong and she didn't know anyone. last summer, this would have been a full on disaster. she would have fallen to bits. but yesterday, she said,
"i guess i'll go make some new friends!" and was off and swimming.

amazing.

i heard her ask a few kids if they wanted to play- before her formal introductions- (much less awkward) and she got a few "no thanks" responses- which she just rolled with.

again, amazing.

after a few minutes, she found some girls her age and had a great time.

meanwhile, i was able to spend the whole time with the boys- focusing just on them- with an occasional check in with zoe. and yesterday jude put it together and swam for the first time!

this is fantastic- it might seems like baby steps, but last summer, was truly awful at times- and the pool was almost always a mild or even full blown disaster.

that said, there are the little subtleties that she needs to learn. like not asking the spanish speaking mother of jude's friend if she is the nanny (because she speaks spanish). like not saying "mom there is a retarded african american boy in the pool- that's what i heard someone say". in those moments i'm amazed and saddened that she really doesn't understand so much about social communication. that this child- who is such a gentle soul- who would never purposely hurt or offend anyone- has - by just not knowing or not being able to pick up on the social cues. she doesn't pick up on the offended tone of the spanish speaking mom asking, "why do you think i'm the nanny?!" or on the expression on the faces of her new friends when she repeated the comment she'd heard about the boy in the pool. she needs to be taught these things- and she hates that.

on the way home, we talked about her offending comments- after much praise to all three kids for their great job swimming and making friends. and she was mad, and said i'd hurt her feelings by telling her that her comments were not appropriate. she kept saying "i KNOW!" and it think she does know, something. she knows that somethings is off, but isn't sure what- and doesn't seem to make the connection with what she said. like being another country where you don't speak fluently. i remember living in costa rica and saying "yo soy muy embarassada!" which was met with much laughter. i thought i was saying, " i'm so embarrassed", but i'd said, "i'm so pregnant". i knew something was off, but until some explained it to me- i didn't really get it.

on the way home it thought about emailing that mother and explaining that zoe has a nonverbal learning disorder- but realized she wouldn't know what that means- because no one ever does. or i could call it a mild form of autism perhaps- but then i thought, why? i can't spend my life correcting things for her- of for me- because really, it was about me being embarrassed- and i need to separate from that. i wanted to hide behind her label. to wave the "she has something like autism" flag - like a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card. but that's not fair to her. she shouldn't be defined by one part of her- she shouldn't be defined by a disability- when 95% of the time, she makes people feel really good!

we'll keep working on this, but it will probably be a life long struggle for her to learn when to hold her tongue, and what the facial expressions and tones of voice mean, and then how to adapt her behavior accordingly. and my struggle will be to teach her lovingly, with out blame or shame, and to stand beside her in those moments and be ok with a little awkwardness.