the bloody lip, the vacuum and the grace

today it was 103 degrees.

zoe was slightly sticky- mostly just crabby- low threshold land.
it's a hard place for her to be. and for me. for her i imagine it's hard because no one likes to be in a bad mood. for me it's hard because i'm waiting- for her to teeter off and fall into the bad place.

it might have been a good idea to play it safe. to stay in the air-conditioned house and watch movies. but i have this thing about not watching t.v and movies when it's beautiful and sunny, even if it's 103 degrees- it's like i feel guilty.

mike and i went to zion canyon for our 10 year wedding anniversary where we climbed up angels landing to renew our vows. the next day it was hot and dry and about 100+ degrees, and we had this amazing lodge room with a view of the canyon and a balcony and all i wanted to do was lay in that cool bedroom and watch a movie, but i was driven, compelled, to be outside. mike thought it was so funny that i couldn't allow myself the pleasure of just choosing to be inside and watch a movie for a few hours. i decided he was right. but it totally felt like i was doing something wrong- breaking some unstated, universal rule.

so anyway- i couldn't just follow her cue- beside the boys really wanted to go to the pool. so we did. now because i've opted for the "ooops mommy forgot the floaties" theme in order to encourage swimming, it means that i've got to be "tanto jump on it" all eyes on all kids all the time- and it's exhausting. add to that zoe having an off day- and my old, pre-nursing three kids- bikini top trying to fall off, and it makes for me wishing i had at least another pair of eyes and several more arms.

zoe found some kids to play with. they decided to play marco-polo. zoe had never played this before, but didn't tell them, and so attempted to follow along, which immediately resulted in her becoming the 'marco' role. then she was really lost- didn't know about closing her eyes, and appeared to not understand that she was supposed to tag someone. i kind of wanted to go and help her- but couldn't leave the boys. and i was kind of glad i couldn't leave the boys, because i didn't want to interfere.

that line again between teaching, vs rescuing, vs interfering.

the next thing i knew she is crying, because she apparently learned to close her yes and collided with one of the kids heads and is bleeding from her lips or somewhere- the dangers of braces. shes' really upset, and scared, and hurt, but mostly i think it was the tipping point for her. she had a moment of expected decompensation/ regression and i dragged them all out of the pool drooping bathing suit and all.

i thought about leaving. returning and going with the TV/movie plan- after all we'd done the sun thing. but i looked at the boy's faces and i just couldn't do it.

so we got some popsicles and had a break.

back in the pool- zoe found an old acquaintance from last summer who was there with her two friends. she did well for a while but then the brain pulled a switch and she got upset that she didn't know the friends, that she didn't know that any of them were going to be there that day, miss firing circuit. tipping point.

luckily it was time to go anyway- thank God for that already issued 5 minute warning.

she screamed -one loud scream on her way to gather our stuff.

i took a deep breath and tried to remember that this isn't about me. it's about her. helping her understand - helping her get it. anger doesn't really have a place here- or at least it won't be helpful. i kept reminding myself of my friend erin, who laughs and loves her life and rolls with it, six kids and all. i need more laughter i thought, even it the yuck parts. and i need to roll with it.

and then there it was.

leaving the building to get to the garage was a large vacuum, and it was on.

vacuums are the remaining loud inanimate object that can unwind zoe.

it was even 'the loud part'. the part that cleans rugs.

i thought fo' sho' zoe would haul off screaming with her bloody lip and all- flapping her arms and using that wiggly voice. but she didn't. she looked at it puzzled and said, " is that the loud part? because it doensn't seem so loud."

we went to the car. we talked about feelings and actions being different. we talked about how our actions affect others. we talked about being flexible and not so rigid. we talked about not screaming, but how well she handled the scary vacumm.

the grace was in my friend erin's example - and the grace i was given to remove my emotions from this situation and be: a parent. not an angry person who needs therapy because i'm so broken by having a child with special needs. (although i definitely would benefit from some therapy, again :)

the grace came as stillness.