why i really decided to homeschool zoe

it happened almost exactly a year ago. i was at work, having a family meeting about a patient who was dying. i had silenced the call several times, and then decided it was my daughters school and i should get it. so i excused myself from the meeting.

"i think you need to come and get her. She's having a hard time."
"OK- well, i'm at work. i'm having a family meeting. someone who is really sick. someone is dying. what's happening with zoe?"
"she's under her desk- she won't come out."

it was my first month at this new job. it was more hours than i'd worked since i'd finished residency. i was really enjoying it. i was learning and having fun. but this was the third call this week, and i was having a hard time figuring out how to manage this. we knew zoe was having a hard time, and we were doing a lot of things for her. she was on some medicine, she was in OT. we'd let go of our au pair, and had been utilizing family to assist with childcare, so to minimize the interaction with people she didn't know well. we'd even gotten a dog. but, things weren't working out- at least not at school. things weren't working out for zoe. she was having high stress. she was falling apart.

we met with the principle, who seemed to think that she was "done" for the year. that she'd learned plenty academically - which was true- but that she clearly wasn't coping at school anymore- which was also true. it was april. mike and i had a moment. it was a moment of utter realization. that all we'd feared, all we'd worried about, but often not said out loud, was coming true. that our lives with her had caught up with us. we were two successful people with close to full time careers. we now owned a house (ok- one brick in the house- but still). we had two other small children. and our oldest- was now loosing it- at a "special school." that's kind of bad news, kind of some of the worst news. yet- there was a sense of absolute clarity, that came fairly quickly.
-it's your kid. you do what you need to do.
clearly, we needed a drastic change in our lives. so we decided- that i would cut way back on work. with in three days, at work, i was talking with my boss (and friend) who asked what was bothering me and i burst into tears- again- full-on ugly cry. weeping. i think she might have even cried too. she told me that i could take a break- work one a day week and figure out what we were going to do. it was temporary. it was life-saving. i went home and began to breathe.

i'm very type A. i'm a planner. i like to make lists. i like pros and cons. so of course, i got to work figuring out the problem. where could she go to school, what would the finances look like. what could we do to get her to a place where she could go to school? could we risk paying for a private school and then having this happen again? on and on.
that sunday, a friend from church asked me why i didn't homeschool the next year.

well that's easy- i said- because she's zoe and i'm kris. because i'm the most impatient person ever- and she's the slowest person ever. because i can't even do homework with her!

but it stayed with me- and i began to ask the question of myself. what was i so afraid of? maybe she needed a complete break- a complete change. maybe it's exactly what she needed. maybe it would be really good for her- maybe it would be good for me.

and when you think about life- it's always the hardest parts that grow us the most. that give us the most opportunity to change our perspective, and in seeing life differently, to change our living.

i was writing in my journal that week and i wrote, "i feel like i need to read the old testament- like Haggai." now i'll be honest- i don't often "hear God". in fact i can count on one hand- OK three fingers- the number of times i've felt, undeniably, the presence or sense of God communing with me. i also couldn't even remember if there was a book in the bible called Haggai. but there is, and that night i read it- all 2 pages of it. it was about the Israelites hearing from God that they needed to re-build the temple. it said basically that they'd been spinning their wheels, working hard and getting no where. that each person was so busy with their own house they'd forgotten all about Gods plan, Gods house. that it was time for a change, a re-focus. and then it said, the people obeyed. and were blessed.

to me it was clear as day. i needed to invest fully, in rebuilding my house. in refocusing my focus. in embracing the child i was given and changing our lives accordingly. for me - it felt like the "answer" was obvious- it was just whether i would take the harder path.

and that is why i'm homeschooling zoe. despite the shocked looks, the "oh i could never!" the "how do you do it?" the "what about your career?", and my complete lack of knowledge of 'how' to teach a child, let alone one with special needs, we embarked on our journey.

has it been easy, no. has it been totally worth it, yes.
i am learning to let go. really. to let go of schedule, of my idea of what a fourth-grader should know, and how well they should write, and how long they should sit still. i've let go of moving at a given pace. i've accepted that learning how to manage frustration is more important than completing the assignment. that understanding the whole story and explaining the sequence verbally is better than writing in little details. i've learned that if you have the tools, but have no idea of how to laterally apply them, then they're not much help- so any lateral thinking is huge. i've learned that she's really smart- but can't test to save her life. that the pieces are there, but we need to help her put them together. that splitting the social from the academic, helps her do much better at both. that the little conversations about "what's wrong with me" are never planned. i've learned that "i think i need an h-u-g" happens so many times a day, and what if i weren't there to give her that. i've learned that both our brains are plastic and that you can teach old dogs new tricks. and we've learned to help each other know when we need a break. know when to move on. know when to say "i'm sorry" and when not to.

so for us, the journey is worth it- there has been much blessing- and what seemed last year like the end of my world- became the most surprisingly beautiful beginning.