venturing outside the comfort zone

i have really great friends. i have a really great family. they put up with me. with my goings on. and on, and on. i was up for 2 hours in the night- that evil time from 2-4 when all logic is out the window and my half-asleep brain, lets my emotions/ fears/ and what ever else wants to join in, govern me. i must have been dreaming about brain balance- about zoe in some therapy- and i awoke feeling like i was being "taken" by this whole brain balance thing. that it must be a hoax. a money-making gimmick. so i lay there, alone, as mike was out of town, in fear. nothing felt right. brain balance or not doing brain balance, it just all felt wrong, which should have been an indicator to roll over and go back to sleep or go get a benadryl, but i just lay there, mulling it over and over. ( a little sticky, the apple doesn't fall far).

in the morning, i ran to my computer to dig up whatever "proof" i could come up with about how ridiculous the whole thing is. about the quackiness of it all. to relieve my type A, medical doctor, analytic left-brained mind, that in fact, yes- i'd solved the case and it was a farse. and when i'd found a few articles validating my stance- i got on the phone. i talked and talked. i pleaded my case. i wanted to find someone to agree that this is crazy. that i don't need to drive to roswell three times a week. that i don't need to change our diet drastically. basically that my summer can be sitting at the pool, or doing fun activities and eating lots of sugar and carbohydrates and milk. but perhaps the scariest of all- that if we do this- my summer will be a risk. and what if it doesn't really work.... and then we've tried everything, and where does that leave us? where is the hope in that? or perhaps it's that i've spent years, getting to a place where i'm Ok with who she is, with who she's not, with not being in control, with not fixing it. and suddenly it's about control. it's about diet, and vitamins and amino-acids and supplements. and ironically, the control part is scary.

so after my restless night, i was about to pull the plug. i was about to call and say no. this is too out there for me, this is not in my comfort zone. i need to have my summer. i need to wait. i need pastries, donuts and milk. just before i called, i decided to call the woman who'd first mentioned it to me. the woman who i've never met, who'd read the blog, who'd contacted me and said i should look at brain balance. a woman who has a "zoe". a woman who gets it. and she answered and we talked. she too had been skeptical. she too didn't want to make a big diet change. but she too wanted the best for her girl and nothing else had proven to do it, so she'd drank the kool-aid. and for her it worked! not a 'cure' - but big improvement. improvement that other people noticed, who didn't know they'd changed anything. and that for me, was enough. it was enough- to not abort mission. enough to start the drive to roswell. enough to try it.

so we'll await the blood test and results. we'll follow what they say- for three months- and we'll hope and pray that her brain will become more balanced. that things will make more sense - will come easier. that life won't seem like such a mystery.

so while i'm staring nervously at a giant bottle of fish oil - unopened- i'm excited to try. excited by the hope, that what has worked for others - could work for her. that non-traditional approaches will teach this western doctor to think outside the box (and the literature). because really, i'm imbalanced too. so governed by the left brain. right brain deficient. so maybe after three months we'll both come out better.

we start tomorrow- away we go.....