no stick finish

i can't believe it's over. my year with zoe. my first year of homeschooling. my life changing year- of creating space- of changing priorities, focus- of digging into something i'd never dreamed i'd do. it's a weird feeling. it's a combo of, "i'm really proud of us" and "has she actually learned anything?".

and it crept up on me. all of a sudden, just when i thought we were getting the hang of it- it's summer- the boys are home, the sun is hot, and it's time to go outside and play. i thought maybe it would feel more climactic. like my growing up end of the year always felt. there should be "field day" or yearbooks or something.

and i thought i'd feel really exhausted and done and desperate for summer- but instead i had this feeling of unease, unsettledness, insecurity. she just finished 4th grade- but what does that really mean? there are no objective tests to prove any change in her knowledge base. there is no report card to compare her with other fourth graders. it's just me. and i had heavy feelings of self-doubt.


mike could tell something was eating me. and as usually, he put it in perspective. he reminded me of where we'd been. of last spring. of her inaccessibility. her far away soul. he said that ultimately even if she had learned no academics this year (which he assured me wasn't true), she was still much better off. because she's in a place of relative peace. a place where learning is able to happen. a place that most of the time is happy. her feelings or at least comments, of not liking herself, are gone. she has a much easier time with social interactions. it's kind of like having the old zoe back (the one before she was eaten by the anxiety/ sticky monster 2 years ago) but more alert, more engaged, desiring and seeking connection, and more functional.

i decided to have an end-of-the-year celebration- for both of us.
so i made her a book about our year.
i wrote her a letter, about what i'd learned, about what i loved about our time together, and i put in as much objective evidence i could that she'd learned. i also wrote down all that we'd covered, not that she'd mastered, but that we'd worked through. and it was a lot, and i was proud. we did a lot. we made major improvements. other people have even noticed :).

yesterday, we had our celebration. we dropped the boys with my mom (thank you!) and we went to the american girl doll store and cafe for lunch. this was especially appropriate because our history theme for the year and our reading curriculum were the historical american girl books. and it was so much fun. but on the way there i realized i had forgotten the book i'd made her. i was frustrated, because i had wanted it to be the perfect afternoon, with closure and climax and finality. but really it was so typical, that i'd forget it at home. it was so, life.

zoe was amazing. she just said, "mommy, it's OK. just take a deep breath. you just need to be flexible. you can give me the surprise when we get home tonight, i'm fine with that."

did i just hear the words, "OK", and "be flexible" and "i'm fine with that", all out of her mouth- in the same paragraph?

and that, was the perfect non-sticky end to our year.