the light that is you

it's hard to not want to stay and be the light that is me, here. 

it's hard to imagine leaving again in 2 days. 

i'm in uganda. the part of the broken world that has become to feel more like home than any other part actually (strangely) ever did.  i don't expect anyone to get it, or even believe it, but i'm also not going to apologize for it. it is what it is.

yesterday, i interviewed potential medical students for the incoming class at UCU school of medicine. i listened to stories of war-torn somalian childhoods, executed fathers, of brothers with rheumatic heart disease, siblings who died of preventable diarrheal infections, illiterate mothers trained as village health workers who inspired their daughters to pursue this- this dream of doctoring. Midwives returning to study ob/gyn because they need to know more, to be able to do more, to help their fellow ugandans. Twenty year old kids who knew first hand what malnutrition looks like, death during childbirth and not being able to access care in time because there is no hospital, or no doctor at the hospital, or no medicine at the clinic. 

after they would explain their reasons for why they wanted to study medicine, they would explain how they planned on paying their tuition. 'my brother is going to pay my way'. 'i have been saving for 2 years'.  'my village ngo is going to sponsor me so that we will now have a doctor when i finish.'  there are no loans, there were  a few kids whose parents could pay the tuition  which is about $5000 per year. 

there is no need to be comparative about suffering and i believe that there is a deep power in the shared experience of collective trauma that allows a certain level of resilience. but, it was all so humbling. the clear need. their passionate awareness of it.  their desire to help. their willingness to assume the cost. i couldn't help but compare it to the usa. to how quickly we spend $5000, how much we complain about, how little we have seen.

i left the day teary eyed and hopeful. encouraged by the quality of the candidates and knowing that we will continue raising up the quality of ugandan health care and increasing the number of doctors committed to serving their communities. 

there was so much in those tears. for the brokenness of here. and the brokenness of where i am returning. for the years i got to spend here and that they shaped my kids and opened their eyes. for how hard it is for them now that their eyes are opened. for how hard it is to leave. for my deep longing to be back. for the great tension of a heart torn between two homes. for the gratitude of that tension as hard as it is. for the Grace that mends me enough to try to love intentionally and extravagantly and be the light wherever i may be.