the first, on leaving

 i remember it well. this time. 10 years ago. getting ready to move. beginning to to see my life in the US differently, beginning to let it go. there were complicated emotions. a grieving, a nostalgia, a curiosity, anticipation, excitement, some fear. my days felt split between carrying on my routine in atlanta with packing and prepping for a new life 8,000 miles away. newsletters, fundraising, medivac insurance, typhoid vaccines, finding new schools and what essential items couldn't be purchased there. 

i remember the loneliness of it. and that was strange. i suppose it shouldn't have been, no one else was selling their house and cars and getting on a plane for the heart of africa. no one else was leaving grandparents and good health care and 'normal' for an unknown life with 3 little people in tow. yet the loneliness surprised me. 

i'm here again on the other side of 8,000 miles packing up a life i have treasured for 10 years to return to my country of origin. i'm sorting into 'give away', 'sell', bring'. i'm beginning to see my life here differently, beginning to let it go (to loosen my grip). there are complicated emotions. i'm grieving, i'm nostalgic, i'm mostly those, with some fear thrown in. there is some curiosity, i'm trying to grow that, to let God grow it. 

i'm remembering the loneliness that is on this side, but i know will be even more on the other side.