getting closer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i think i finally realized what makes me so bone tired. or maybe it's what i'm so bone tired of. it's having to think extra about every little decision and having to second guess every idea in light of the "new normal" that's what it is. it sucks the joy!

i'd love to have people over tonight. oh wait. is that a good idea? have we seen too many people lately? are we in the same bubble? oh nevermind. (they will have to go through the same exercise on their end).

but then i feel lonely and my brain hurts. 

i just want to sing a christmas carol and have friends for dinner, and not have to hear myself say, "did you remember your mask?" i just don't want to have to think about everything all the time. 

this seems particularly challenging for the more impulsive non-planner types,  because let me tell you, we are having to redo our whole deal. is it easier if you are normally more considerate and organized? probably not. i'm sure it's just as exhausting and disruptive. 

sometimes i stop and look around and think how amazing it is that we are so resilient as a species.  i mean what are our options really. but we go on. we slap on our masks- or many of us do, or we should, and we wash our hands and we go about our work and our lives and try to find food for our families and if we are fortunate enough to be able to continue to educate our kids we do that. hopefully those who can do that and have enough to eat, can also find time to look at the disparity and wonder about it in a more profound and direct way and maybe commit to doing something about it in our own spheres. let's say there is a lot of potential for new years resolutions involving others for 2021. how can we make the world more equitable when we see a virus that doesn't discriminate who it infects given the opportunity, but the outcomes are impacted by social determinants, as is the opportunity for infection in the first place. 

in a few weeks i turn 50. good Lord. this is snapshot of life right now: we just got power back after 3 days in the dark and with no charged devices. i have a borrowed fake christmas tree which is not yet decorated (in 30 years i have always had a real tree by december 1st decorated - including my 10 years in uganda :( ). i have three teenagers full of all things they should be, sweat and stories and complaints and laughter. they are all-knowing and desperately needy simultaneously, someone always has an ice pack, someone else is in the shower,  and someone needs a haircut. they make me laugh louder and longer, and they can push my buttons faster than anyone else. i have a 21 year old who i miss terribly but i also find challenging to talk to on the phone every other day 8000 miles away. i took a kickboxing class on saturday which was awesome and then got a migraine all day. i'm loving teaching the third year medical students here, in the way buechner describes our call. i miss my family in the usa, consistent electric power, and good milk, but i love living in africa. i cried my way through 2 very different zoom memorial services this week, one for a friend who died this summer of cancer, a woman my mothers age who i've known for decades, the grieving was for many things as was the celebration of her beautiful life, lived mostly in east africa, and is part of the reason why i'm here now. the second was an unexpected death of a child who i've never met who shares the name of my child who i almost lost, the child of a friend of a friend. i attended in support and solidarity, to respect both his life and to support their family as the body of Christ had supported me when i thought i might lose my jude. both reminded me again of resilience and of what matters and to be so deeply grateful daily. and of the hope we have in the Love.

so we are getting closer. closer to 2021. to a newer, new normal, which will i believe be better than this one. i have hope in the vaccine and biden and harris and of course Jesus, and time. and Love. 

may we Love better. may i Love better.