what if things, whatever they are, were enough.
as they are.
what if i could let things be enough?
what if i could let me be enough.
i've been in a funk the past few days. why? it's nothing new. it's the myriad of things. the weeds that grow around the growing seedlings and choke them. the things in life that are just really hard and not fixable. the things that most of my life i've spent doing everything i can to fix or soothe or at the very least, ignore. i'm sure i'm not alone in this- this process of avoiding, or escaping the overwhelming bits of life. it's this process or lack of process that drives addictions and drives thoughts and words and actions we later regret.
yesterday in the car with mike i was going on and on about my funky mood. i'll be honest, i was annoying myself. i was tired of the sound of my voice and the attitude beneath it. i was tired of feeling the feelings of sad and stuck and 'i don't know what do'. and after several minutes i began complaining about my complaining and then apologizing for my complaining. and then mike gave me a gift. he showed me something that i couldn't see on my own. he basically said that it was fine to complain, to vent, to feel these things, that he didn't mind listening because now, i wasn't asking him to fix it. i wasn't grappling. i wasn't turning my life into a rubix cube and shifting rows back and forth frantically trying to make all the colors match up. he showed me that actually, i was feeling it, sitting with it, processing it, and that was good and new for me.
it was like someone turned on the lights.
because i could see it and i could feel it- even though it didn't feel good- it felt real and honest and necessary. and then i began to remember how i 'handled' this kind of thing before. i would gather all the kite strings of the problems in life that were flying helter-skelter overhead, and channel all of them into some grand singular puzzle that had a solution. there would be desperation (which i would have called passion). it would involve sacrifice (but really some sort of anxiety turned excitement masking as sacrifice). all of the nervous energy spent chasing the kite strings would now have a purpose and the drive behind whatever grand idea i had would be very hard to reckon with. poor mike.
there are problems with this type of "handling"- many of them. for one thing, it often didn't get past the research stage. for example. the fatigue of life here, the fatigue of special needs, the unknown of rose, of summer plans, of zoe's life, the challenges of work, of fundraising, of being a parent, of marriage, the season of not knowing what feels like many things, can become " i need to find a school for zoe".
in my mind it goes something like this, "if i find a school for zoe, everything will get better. i will feel better. she will have something to do, something will be settled, everything will get easier. it could lead to her independence. it could lead to my freedom. (and greatest of all...) i will have some control!" so there will go my afternoon.
this specific example has happened a number of times- okay way too many times. it ends with me circling back to where i started. there are no ideal schools. not here. not in our budget (which is really nothing). which reminds me that i'm here. in a place with no services. sometimes i'll feel better briefly, i've done my due diligence. sometimes i'll feel worse. but i won't have done the harder part of looking at things as they are. feeling them.
of letting things be.
and be enough.
this is where God comes in- (okay i know He should have come in earlier, but i'm in process).
God's like, "give Me the rubix cube. here is a paint brush- stop trying to solve and fix- take what you have and create. let Me mend. it's not to be solved. it's to be lived."
the other day rose and i were watching a 'next top designer' type show. the finalists were given a mystery fabric and had a given amount of time to make an assigned clothing item. it was honestly pretty stupid- make an undergarment, secret ingredient....movie theater seats (didn't make that up) and it's kind of applicable. because sometimes i feel like my life is trying to make an undergarment with movie theater seats.
i'm like, 'God? did you see what you've given me to work with here?? my life stuff doesn't even make sense. i'd like to sit here and argue and complain about how impossible it is to make clothing from seats!'
and God's like," have you seen what i've made that lives at the bottom of the ocean and no one ever really sees except because i've created someone who would actually go down to the bottom of the ocean and take a picture of it? now, go! this is your life, your chance, create-it's actually more than enough."
sometimes life feels impossible. the tasks overwhelming. the effort exhausting. sometimes i would rather sit in the movie theater seats then deconstruct them and create something totally different. but this is what i've got. and here is the trick. it's not a mistake. what feels like brokenness, can become a gift. it's a gift. so is yours whatever your movie theater seat equivalent is.
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness. " 2 corinth 12:8-9
i have begged to get a new secret ingredient, for God to change out the theater seats for some normal fabric, something easier to work with, something that doesn't smell like popcorn. but. but God says, here's the deal, your sufferings can be about something bigger than you. give Me what you've got. take what you have there and let me help you make something beautiful- you are fearfully and wonderfully made- your life story is in My hands- I make all things new- I am in the business of restoration. it will be hard. it is not easy. it will hurt. but you have been given the opportunity to do something different. the opportunity to see things differently."
what if my greatest struggles, my wandering kite strings, are more than enough to grow me into someone who loves so well, people know it can only be grace? what if all my weakest spots - shine light on the faithfulness of Jesus. that actually is enough. my story, as it was and is and will be, could be the most amazing, unique, work of art. so could yours.
but to live it well, i have to feel it first, all of it. not avoid or ignore or soothe, i have to accept and embrace it. that is where it begins.
as they are.
what if i could let things be enough?
what if i could let me be enough.
i've been in a funk the past few days. why? it's nothing new. it's the myriad of things. the weeds that grow around the growing seedlings and choke them. the things in life that are just really hard and not fixable. the things that most of my life i've spent doing everything i can to fix or soothe or at the very least, ignore. i'm sure i'm not alone in this- this process of avoiding, or escaping the overwhelming bits of life. it's this process or lack of process that drives addictions and drives thoughts and words and actions we later regret.
yesterday in the car with mike i was going on and on about my funky mood. i'll be honest, i was annoying myself. i was tired of the sound of my voice and the attitude beneath it. i was tired of feeling the feelings of sad and stuck and 'i don't know what do'. and after several minutes i began complaining about my complaining and then apologizing for my complaining. and then mike gave me a gift. he showed me something that i couldn't see on my own. he basically said that it was fine to complain, to vent, to feel these things, that he didn't mind listening because now, i wasn't asking him to fix it. i wasn't grappling. i wasn't turning my life into a rubix cube and shifting rows back and forth frantically trying to make all the colors match up. he showed me that actually, i was feeling it, sitting with it, processing it, and that was good and new for me.
it was like someone turned on the lights.
because i could see it and i could feel it- even though it didn't feel good- it felt real and honest and necessary. and then i began to remember how i 'handled' this kind of thing before. i would gather all the kite strings of the problems in life that were flying helter-skelter overhead, and channel all of them into some grand singular puzzle that had a solution. there would be desperation (which i would have called passion). it would involve sacrifice (but really some sort of anxiety turned excitement masking as sacrifice). all of the nervous energy spent chasing the kite strings would now have a purpose and the drive behind whatever grand idea i had would be very hard to reckon with. poor mike.
there are problems with this type of "handling"- many of them. for one thing, it often didn't get past the research stage. for example. the fatigue of life here, the fatigue of special needs, the unknown of rose, of summer plans, of zoe's life, the challenges of work, of fundraising, of being a parent, of marriage, the season of not knowing what feels like many things, can become " i need to find a school for zoe".
in my mind it goes something like this, "if i find a school for zoe, everything will get better. i will feel better. she will have something to do, something will be settled, everything will get easier. it could lead to her independence. it could lead to my freedom. (and greatest of all...) i will have some control!" so there will go my afternoon.
this specific example has happened a number of times- okay way too many times. it ends with me circling back to where i started. there are no ideal schools. not here. not in our budget (which is really nothing). which reminds me that i'm here. in a place with no services. sometimes i'll feel better briefly, i've done my due diligence. sometimes i'll feel worse. but i won't have done the harder part of looking at things as they are. feeling them.
of letting things be.
and be enough.
this is where God comes in- (okay i know He should have come in earlier, but i'm in process).
God's like, "give Me the rubix cube. here is a paint brush- stop trying to solve and fix- take what you have and create. let Me mend. it's not to be solved. it's to be lived."
the other day rose and i were watching a 'next top designer' type show. the finalists were given a mystery fabric and had a given amount of time to make an assigned clothing item. it was honestly pretty stupid- make an undergarment, secret ingredient....movie theater seats (didn't make that up) and it's kind of applicable. because sometimes i feel like my life is trying to make an undergarment with movie theater seats.
i'm like, 'God? did you see what you've given me to work with here?? my life stuff doesn't even make sense. i'd like to sit here and argue and complain about how impossible it is to make clothing from seats!'
and God's like," have you seen what i've made that lives at the bottom of the ocean and no one ever really sees except because i've created someone who would actually go down to the bottom of the ocean and take a picture of it? now, go! this is your life, your chance, create-it's actually more than enough."
sometimes life feels impossible. the tasks overwhelming. the effort exhausting. sometimes i would rather sit in the movie theater seats then deconstruct them and create something totally different. but this is what i've got. and here is the trick. it's not a mistake. what feels like brokenness, can become a gift. it's a gift. so is yours whatever your movie theater seat equivalent is.
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness. " 2 corinth 12:8-9
i have begged to get a new secret ingredient, for God to change out the theater seats for some normal fabric, something easier to work with, something that doesn't smell like popcorn. but. but God says, here's the deal, your sufferings can be about something bigger than you. give Me what you've got. take what you have there and let me help you make something beautiful- you are fearfully and wonderfully made- your life story is in My hands- I make all things new- I am in the business of restoration. it will be hard. it is not easy. it will hurt. but you have been given the opportunity to do something different. the opportunity to see things differently."
what if my greatest struggles, my wandering kite strings, are more than enough to grow me into someone who loves so well, people know it can only be grace? what if all my weakest spots - shine light on the faithfulness of Jesus. that actually is enough. my story, as it was and is and will be, could be the most amazing, unique, work of art. so could yours.
but to live it well, i have to feel it first, all of it. not avoid or ignore or soothe, i have to accept and embrace it. that is where it begins.
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