it's season of loss. again.
june is a month of goodbyes. there is a lot of leaving going on and a lot of being left. and i'm left feeling silent and wondering. the wondering comes as part of the goodbyes. wondering who will come next? when will we go? how do we do this? this life of transitions. wondering where is our home? who is our core? and knowing that where ever we are, life is going on without us somewhere else.
what happens to a life, when you disappear for 5 or 10 years to the other side of the world, and then return? you are no longer you and they that remained are no longer who they were either. there will always be that wondering. who exactly am i? who will my children be? what happens to third culture kids?
last night i led bible study. it was hebrews chapter 11- all about faith. and faith in God, despite what mainstream christianity often reports, is hard and messy. faith makes you ask questions about the thing you have faith in- and understanding God, is complicated. people say they have faith in God, 'so everything will be fine', or 'if you only have faith... it will work out'. but life is often not fine. and things don't always work out. so is God fake or are we wrong? neither, i think we just get lost in the details.
God never promised that things would be fine and work out the way we want. God promises non-abandonment. God promises fullness of life. God promises to hear us and help us when we ask. God promises forgiveness and redemption and restoration. faith is believing those things, and believing them even when they don't look like how we think they should.
in this season of loss i can pray with faith for a new group of friends. and i may get that, God certainly can do it, but i may not. God goes deeper than our words- God goes to the heart of our words. He promises to give us the deepest desires of our heart when we ask. but how do we ask? sometimes we stumble around explaining to him our solution for meeting those desires- 'i want a new group of friends who are staying longer than i am because that way- i won't be left anymore.' but what if instead, i get a season of incredible personal growth because in my loneliness i spend time in prayer and meditation and see and feel the indwelling light of God so clearly that i am forever changed? did God not answer my prayer? or does He know me so well, that He knows the deepest desire of my heart is intimacy, joy, growth and security, and that those things can be given in many ways.
my life has been a series of events where God continues to show me that when i seek His will and give up my own, amazing things happen. but often those amazing things are interwoven with a lot of pain. and that is the messy part. the beautiful agonizing truth of opening ourselves to faith. the paradox that God is love, and there is still pain.
june is a month of goodbyes. there is a lot of leaving going on and a lot of being left. and i'm left feeling silent and wondering. the wondering comes as part of the goodbyes. wondering who will come next? when will we go? how do we do this? this life of transitions. wondering where is our home? who is our core? and knowing that where ever we are, life is going on without us somewhere else.
what happens to a life, when you disappear for 5 or 10 years to the other side of the world, and then return? you are no longer you and they that remained are no longer who they were either. there will always be that wondering. who exactly am i? who will my children be? what happens to third culture kids?
last night i led bible study. it was hebrews chapter 11- all about faith. and faith in God, despite what mainstream christianity often reports, is hard and messy. faith makes you ask questions about the thing you have faith in- and understanding God, is complicated. people say they have faith in God, 'so everything will be fine', or 'if you only have faith... it will work out'. but life is often not fine. and things don't always work out. so is God fake or are we wrong? neither, i think we just get lost in the details.
God never promised that things would be fine and work out the way we want. God promises non-abandonment. God promises fullness of life. God promises to hear us and help us when we ask. God promises forgiveness and redemption and restoration. faith is believing those things, and believing them even when they don't look like how we think they should.
in this season of loss i can pray with faith for a new group of friends. and i may get that, God certainly can do it, but i may not. God goes deeper than our words- God goes to the heart of our words. He promises to give us the deepest desires of our heart when we ask. but how do we ask? sometimes we stumble around explaining to him our solution for meeting those desires- 'i want a new group of friends who are staying longer than i am because that way- i won't be left anymore.' but what if instead, i get a season of incredible personal growth because in my loneliness i spend time in prayer and meditation and see and feel the indwelling light of God so clearly that i am forever changed? did God not answer my prayer? or does He know me so well, that He knows the deepest desire of my heart is intimacy, joy, growth and security, and that those things can be given in many ways.
my life has been a series of events where God continues to show me that when i seek His will and give up my own, amazing things happen. but often those amazing things are interwoven with a lot of pain. and that is the messy part. the beautiful agonizing truth of opening ourselves to faith. the paradox that God is love, and there is still pain.
Quiet friend who has come so far,
feel how your breathing makes more space around you.
Let this darkness be a bell tower
and you the bell. As you ring,
feel how your breathing makes more space around you.
Let this darkness be a bell tower
and you the bell. As you ring,
what batters you becomes your strength.
Move back and forth into the change.
What is it like, such intensity of pain?
If the drink is bitter, turn yourself to wine.
Move back and forth into the change.
What is it like, such intensity of pain?
If the drink is bitter, turn yourself to wine.
In this uncontainable night,
be the mystery at the crossroads of your senses,
the meaning discovered there.
be the mystery at the crossroads of your senses,
the meaning discovered there.
And if the world has ceased to hear you,
say to the silent earth: I flow.
To the rushing water, speak: I am.
say to the silent earth: I flow.
To the rushing water, speak: I am.
Sonnets to Orpheus II, 29
Maria Rainer Rilke
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