journeying

"maybe all his journeying, he thought, had been only to bring him here to hear two branches hit each other twice like that, to see nothing cross the threshold but to see the threshold, to hear the dry clack-clack of the world's tongue at the approach of the approach perhaps of splendor." buechner

is that enough? we ask ourselves that. i ask myself that. could my journeying be just? just for a moment? just to see the threshold, not the passing through? just to hear the approach of the approach of splendor, not splendor itself? would i call that enough?

lately i've been questioning my journey. where exactly i'm going, for what purpose, whether i'm on the right path, if i'm attentive to my surroundings? lately i've been asking what does enough look like and who defines it? what if all i feel is just? what if i don't like this part of the journey? and that is just it.

my questioning begins when the trek is hard. when the road looks long and lonely. when friends i've invested in leave, many of them, all at once. when hoped and prayed for yes's become only maybes, or even, nos. when i don't just see the broken around me, but feel it. and when feeling it, leads me back to the broken in me. and that is the heart of it. what i do with that. when it hurts inside. when one hurt calls out to other hurts, and older hurts, and that spiral begins. down. down.

most often my mind jumps in to save me. questions are asked. questions that my mind likes to answer with ways to avoid hurt, to manage distress, to control the situation. questions that beg to remind me that i can be in control, that i don't have to, that change is possible, that just isn't enough, that this isn't enough (whatever just and this are).

it's so much more tolerable to distract myself with the questions than sit in places that feel uncomfortable. it's internally preferable to ponder the options of escape, than open myself to what i could learn if i stay and feel the hurt.

moses was a man who journeyed. and it was hard most of the time. he was born a slave, but was adopted to a place of privilege. his anger at the injustice toward his people led him to kill. he ran. he had identity issues. he married and reproduced. he tended sheep and then one day God spoke to him. God laid out his path. God told him out loud what he was born to do. to lead. to lead his people out of slavery and into the promise land. God answered his identity issue. God used his passion for justice. God responded to his five attempts to escape the mission. and then God gave him what he needed to accomplish what he was afraid to do.

there were times when moses surly loved his journey, when things were going well. when his obedience protected the people from plague. when the sea parted at the stretch of his hand. when miracle after miracle confirmed his path. but in the midst of his journey he forgot that his control of the sea and the water emerging from rock wasn't really his. he forgot his place on the path. so moses journeyed through the desert for 40 years, following God, leading the people to the promised land. but he never passed that threshold. his journey ended there, short of splendor, short of even the approach of splendor. he never tasted milk and honey, never tasted freedom beyond the desert wandering.

 but in his journeying, he met the Lord.  he spoke with God face to face. he heard and saw and felt the power and the love of God in a direct way like no one ever had before. his journey wasn't about ending somewhere, it was about who he became along the way. how he listened. how he followed. how he obeyed. how he led. his relationship with God and the influence he had on the people, his getting to the threshold- that was his journey.  was it enough?

it was enough for him not to quit. to lead even when he knew he himself would not reach the destination. to lead even after he'd asked God to change his mind and the answer was 'no'.  because as he walked with God through the hard parts of the journey, he allowed them to shape and grow him. he who had been so afraid to speak out, was strengthened and transformed into a brave and bold leader. he saw the threshold and for him, that was enough.

so i am reminded to hold steady. to let my questions be not about the journey itself but about my response to the journey. to keep open to the learning, to cherish above all else the deepening of relationship with Him who leads me and those who walk with me. to listen for the clack-clack of the approach of the approach of perhaps splendor.