it was supposed to be a day alone. a day to unpack and settle into the new place after our move. a day to regroup. a day to put myself back together after a hard week. a day to get some work done.
but.
i got a text. zoe is having a hard day. it was only 10am. i was supposed to be emptying boxes, hanging mosquito nets, organizing cupboards. zoe can't seem to get it together to be in class or even to work out of class with her aide.
oh dear.
change is especially hard for zoe, because daily, stable life is hard for zoe. she struggles to find her things when they are in their proper place, now her life is packed in boxes. she doesn't know how to navigate this new kitchen- she hasn't found her place, her routine in the new house. i was supposed to be making it easier for her- creating systems, getting control of this dis-order. and my mom is having a hip replacement - zoe's ama- her safe spot- she's terrified something will happen, and 'home' which is my mom for zoe- could be gone. i was supposed to be figuring out how to send flowers. and zoe forgot to take her meds, because things are different and especially confusing. it was a lot. change, worry, lack of neurotransmitters. so i called her to find out what was happening.
'it's like all these voices from people from all of my life are talking to me and i just can't think!'
it was supposed to be that time in life when we had a high schooler,who might be thinking about colleges, not struggling through 8th grade, not unable to sort through her own thoughts. it was supposed to be lots of things that it's not.
but.
i got a text. zoe is having a hard day. it was only 10am. i was supposed to be emptying boxes, hanging mosquito nets, organizing cupboards. zoe can't seem to get it together to be in class or even to work out of class with her aide.
oh dear.
change is especially hard for zoe, because daily, stable life is hard for zoe. she struggles to find her things when they are in their proper place, now her life is packed in boxes. she doesn't know how to navigate this new kitchen- she hasn't found her place, her routine in the new house. i was supposed to be making it easier for her- creating systems, getting control of this dis-order. and my mom is having a hip replacement - zoe's ama- her safe spot- she's terrified something will happen, and 'home' which is my mom for zoe- could be gone. i was supposed to be figuring out how to send flowers. and zoe forgot to take her meds, because things are different and especially confusing. it was a lot. change, worry, lack of neurotransmitters. so i called her to find out what was happening.
'it's like all these voices from people from all of my life are talking to me and i just can't think!'
it was supposed to be that time in life when we had a high schooler,who might be thinking about colleges, not struggling through 8th grade, not unable to sort through her own thoughts. it was supposed to be lots of things that it's not.
so i walked down to get her and bring her home and try to help today feel better. i wasn't mad at her or at God. i didn't go to those scary places about 'the rest of my life' and 'what does this mean for next year'. i just got her some mango juice and sat beside her. i held her head on my chest and i remembered. i remembered all the ages of holding her head on my chest as her hair has turned from white blonde to brown. i remembered the struggle with every milestone this child reached. i remembered wondering if and how we would just get through 9. i remembered wondering what 16 would be like? and then i remembered that there is no such thing as 'supposed to'.
supposed: generally assumed or believed to be the case, but not necessarily so
how much do i like to rely on supposed to? how much do i like when my life matches up to the clear path i'd envisioned. when i can see down the line of our future. when, even if there is trouble ahead, it's somehow 'okay' because i can prepare for it. how much do i like 'the known'?
a lot. i like it a lot. because i don't like the thrown monkey wrench or the rug pulled out beneath me.
you'd think, after 16 years of life with zoe, i'd have let it go. that by now, the known would be that i live in the great unknown. that i could catch the monkey wrench, and stand firm on the rug. but isn't it just so hard to not return to that favor place we have called 'supposed to'? it is for me.
we sat on the couch, she asked if i was mad, i told her no, because i wasn't, and i told her that i loved her. that was all. i remembered that that really is all. we sat on that couch and looked out the window of our new yard together. and something magical happened. i realized, perhaps for the first time ever, that THIS IS MY LIFE. my life is an often daily detour. my life is not doing what i thought i'd do. my life is interruption. my life is and will be sitting on couches with zoe and spending my days with her around me. my life doesn't need 'supposed to'. my life is the 'not necessarily so'.
it was like finding a new way to breathe. because instead of fighting the difference between expectation and reality, instead of taking the time to feel sad and sorry and scared, and then attempt to create plan a, b and c, i was free to look at this girl, this beautiful girl, who i only know as she is and who i love so deeply, and go unpack boxes with her.
so we got up from the couch together. we went to her room and started to unpack the book boxes together. because that is what we were supposed to do.
supposed: generally assumed or believed to be the case, but not necessarily so
how much do i like to rely on supposed to? how much do i like when my life matches up to the clear path i'd envisioned. when i can see down the line of our future. when, even if there is trouble ahead, it's somehow 'okay' because i can prepare for it. how much do i like 'the known'?
a lot. i like it a lot. because i don't like the thrown monkey wrench or the rug pulled out beneath me.
you'd think, after 16 years of life with zoe, i'd have let it go. that by now, the known would be that i live in the great unknown. that i could catch the monkey wrench, and stand firm on the rug. but isn't it just so hard to not return to that favor place we have called 'supposed to'? it is for me.
we sat on the couch, she asked if i was mad, i told her no, because i wasn't, and i told her that i loved her. that was all. i remembered that that really is all. we sat on that couch and looked out the window of our new yard together. and something magical happened. i realized, perhaps for the first time ever, that THIS IS MY LIFE. my life is an often daily detour. my life is not doing what i thought i'd do. my life is interruption. my life is and will be sitting on couches with zoe and spending my days with her around me. my life doesn't need 'supposed to'. my life is the 'not necessarily so'.
it was like finding a new way to breathe. because instead of fighting the difference between expectation and reality, instead of taking the time to feel sad and sorry and scared, and then attempt to create plan a, b and c, i was free to look at this girl, this beautiful girl, who i only know as she is and who i love so deeply, and go unpack boxes with her.
so we got up from the couch together. we went to her room and started to unpack the book boxes together. because that is what we were supposed to do.
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