this time between thanksgiving and christmas is my favorite time of the year. this is the time of advent. the time of anticipation. of waiting with eagerness. of expectation. the birth of Jesus. the intersection of the divine and humanity. the promise fulfilled. the answer given. the bridge between. the way forward. the hope. ultimate Love. this entering and the 30 years that followed, are summed up to me, as Grace.
this time is covered in a lot of stuff that has nothing to do with Grace, but has become linked and loved. things like snow, and little white lights, and candles and evergreens and cold outsides and warm insides and cookies with sprinkles and kindness. things like music and short days and eggnog. all those outer symbols and traditions and expectations, are wrapped up in this season, and i actually like that.
but it makes it hard to be in the middle of africa during christmas time. right now, the rainy season is ending. everything is lush and vibrant and it's about to get very hot and dry, just in time for christmas. i'm trying. we've put up the lights and made snowflakes and cozy spaces and are listening to handel's messiah - but it kind of feels fake. yet being here, with out the external things, is perhaps that much more real.
i've been doing a lot of internal work this year. work that involves listening to feelings and tending to them inside myself, instead of relying on others (or sparkly tank tops from target), to feel better. internal work like pausing and reflecting before speaking, or texting, or email sending. internal work like staying with hard feelings instead of running away from them or blaming others for them. internal work like being enough for myself, turning inward and finding strength from God- not the external things that seem to call like sirens - promising to meet my internal needs better than i can. but they don't. what they do, is reinforce that i'm not enough, that i'm dependent on someone or something or some place to be okay.
there is such relief in beginning to see that it's the external things that are fake. to begin to find in caring for myself with God's help, that i am stronger and more able. that life is more manageable, less chaotic, and more peaceful for everyone when i'm not grappling outside of myself. when i'm not leaking out everywhere in search of something to contain me.
maybe i'm worse at this then other people. maybe i'm learning at 44 what others learned when they were 14 or 4. but i am here. better late then never. i am without the christmas symbols i love, with out the familiar traditions, but i am learning, and this blossoming begonia and african sun are pointing me back to the center. to the core, that doesn't need leafless trees and icicles for the miracle to be true. maybe from here i can see it all more clearly. that with this baby, came the Spirit. and with this indwelling Spirit came safety and strength and stillness. and the invitation to turn in and find wholeness. and Grace.
this time is covered in a lot of stuff that has nothing to do with Grace, but has become linked and loved. things like snow, and little white lights, and candles and evergreens and cold outsides and warm insides and cookies with sprinkles and kindness. things like music and short days and eggnog. all those outer symbols and traditions and expectations, are wrapped up in this season, and i actually like that.
but it makes it hard to be in the middle of africa during christmas time. right now, the rainy season is ending. everything is lush and vibrant and it's about to get very hot and dry, just in time for christmas. i'm trying. we've put up the lights and made snowflakes and cozy spaces and are listening to handel's messiah - but it kind of feels fake. yet being here, with out the external things, is perhaps that much more real.
i've been doing a lot of internal work this year. work that involves listening to feelings and tending to them inside myself, instead of relying on others (or sparkly tank tops from target), to feel better. internal work like pausing and reflecting before speaking, or texting, or email sending. internal work like staying with hard feelings instead of running away from them or blaming others for them. internal work like being enough for myself, turning inward and finding strength from God- not the external things that seem to call like sirens - promising to meet my internal needs better than i can. but they don't. what they do, is reinforce that i'm not enough, that i'm dependent on someone or something or some place to be okay.
there is such relief in beginning to see that it's the external things that are fake. to begin to find in caring for myself with God's help, that i am stronger and more able. that life is more manageable, less chaotic, and more peaceful for everyone when i'm not grappling outside of myself. when i'm not leaking out everywhere in search of something to contain me.
maybe i'm worse at this then other people. maybe i'm learning at 44 what others learned when they were 14 or 4. but i am here. better late then never. i am without the christmas symbols i love, with out the familiar traditions, but i am learning, and this blossoming begonia and african sun are pointing me back to the center. to the core, that doesn't need leafless trees and icicles for the miracle to be true. maybe from here i can see it all more clearly. that with this baby, came the Spirit. and with this indwelling Spirit came safety and strength and stillness. and the invitation to turn in and find wholeness. and Grace.
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