saying "i'm sorry"

today i went looking for an article i'd read in the huffington post about, once again, parenting.  but instead i found an article on getting older, which was hysterical and, because i could remember neither the title nor author nor even the point of the parenting article i was looking for, relevant.

this said article, which i never found, did that thing that most huffington post articles about parenting do; make me feel everything at once.  i read along thinking that i've kind of got this thing, but i could definitely do it better -  that i will absolutely try, because i love my kids - but that honestly, the person writing this doesn't have my kids. i usually laugh, or laugh and cry, but i always cry because in reality, i'm not actually evaluating my parenting, i'm evaluating my person. internally it reads, "i'm probably okay - no, i definitely suck - there may still be hope - or not - oh well, it could be worse." because feeling everything at once feels like i've already, completely messed my kids up for life, but somehow also hopeful that tomorrow is another day, and while i know that i will probably only change my behavior by maybe one degree, for an hour, at least i know i'm teaching my children the essential lesson of saying "i'm sorry" - because i've gotten very good at that. 

that is the conclusion i ALWAYS end up with. usually it's enough to go on about my business with a dented, yet semi-intact ego.  but not this time. the article had something to do with supporting our kid's sense of worth, of home being emotionally safe, about growing their little self-images to be strong and mighty. no this time i couldn't go about my business because suddenly i saw that while i think i'm modelling self-reflection and humility, if i don't EVER change my behavior, i'm still doing damage, and modelling the damaging behavior, and so teaching that "i'm sorry" doesn't mean very much. my usual positive spin, had become the negative trifecta!

oh dear. crap.


apparently saying "i'm sorry" later, doesn't undo calling someone a 'dingbat' in the heat of the moment when you find a liquified, rotting banana in their school bag....again. and saying, "please forgive me, you're really not an idiot" post reflection, doesn't make it less likely to be believed.  all of the i so wish i didn't say those things moments came flying back to me like boomerangs.

"don't be a twit"
"those blank-ity blank kids!"
"stop behaving like a bunch of banshee monkeys!"

i don't even know what banshee monkeys are.

that is when i realized (sorry mom) that we are such creatures of habit. that perhaps i'm less likely causing my kids to believe they are empty-headed (dingbat) and foolish (twit) and that "blank-ity blank" must be a bad word, as i am handing down a pattern of shouting absurdities that will come flying out of their mouths in 20 years when they find decomposing food items and shoes left everywhere, and when their kids won't stop smacking each other in the way-way back seat.

i need to work on this. i do. on pausing, on tolerance, on choosing laughter. and i will, for at least an hour :)

but "i'm sorry" does count for something. it say, "i'm not just your parent, i'm human. you don't grow out of saying or doing things you regret. everyone has bad days. we make mistakes even when we're older. we are not just 2 parents taking care of 4 kids, we are 6 people living together. trying counts. forgiveness is essential. it's important to admit when you're wrong."

i guess i think honesty provides emotional safety. that self-worth is ultimately found in believing God made you and loves you as you are, that it's strengthened by parents valuing you for who you are not what you do, and loving you even when you are acting like a twit (thank you mom). that self-images can only be strong and mighty when you know that people who have your back will always have your back, and when you see the ones you look up to as strong and mighty, able to be real and vulnerable too.

so i try to do those things. and i mess up. and i will keep saying, "i'm sorry." but i do hope it becomes a little less often.

(oh, and according to the merriam-webster dictionary, there is no such thing as a banshee monkey. but banshee means : a female spirit in Irish and Scottish stories who cries loudly to warn people that someone is going to die soon
in which case the combination very appropriately describes my children.)