there is something about transparency that i think we all want and crave and need but are perhaps the most terrified of also. what would it look like for you to really know me? to know all the bad parts and the scared bits and the weak things? to know the lost places in me, and the hidden corners, to know what i'm guilty of- to know my broken.
because to share those things, to open them up, to be revealed and with out cover or armor, with out the niceties and the packaged deal, would leave me so exposed- so vulnerable- so naked, yet so authentic, so real.
but what if you didn't like me anymore? what if you saw the real me and you decided that i'm too much for you, that my kind of broken is too far off from normally broken, what if you left? what if i was alone? and not just alone, but alone and exposed.
yikes!
but the thing i'm coming to see and feel and know, is that being authentic, being real and true is what we also deeply desire. we want to be loved, and real love is being known- really known- and still loved. loved despite our webs and tangles and mistakes and scars. loved even though we've messed it up.
the thing is, we are all messed up. we all have our messes and our secrets and our struggles and our stories- but some how we think we are the only ones who can't seem to get it right and better just pretend so people like us. is it better to be liked than known? is it better to be generally superficially accepted by many, than truly understood and welcomed anyway by a few?
and what do we think of the people that we know who have stood before us and shared their shameful stories, their sicknesses, their addictions, their pain? we usually call them brave. we call them strong and whole and admirably trying to carry on. we even envy them - even if to get to real, they had to fall and fall hard- we still envy them because they have arrived at a peace that we want. they are no longer afraid of people finding things out- because people already know, because they told them.
my first boyfriend was a 17 year old recovering alcoholic- (which my parents thought was awesome). but in so many ways it was- because he had confronted a lot of things that most people at 50 haven't yet confronted. he had already found out that truth that we spend lifetimes avoiding- that we have little control, that we need each other, that we need God.
i used to go to AA meetings with him. i think i was tolerated because he was the youngest guy at the meeting and they wanted him to keep coming. those church basements with the cold metal chairs on tan and white colored linoleum tile, and the coffee and cigarettes and the array of people who were brave enough to be honest and to show up for each other and themselves, to be reminded of their lack, their needs, their broken, so that tomorrow they could try again- those were some of the realist people around. i think if Jesus came back today he would be more likely to go to an AA meeting than many of our churches- because Jesus is all about real. He is not afraid of broken- He mends. He's not afraid of lost- He goes looking. He's not scared of pain- He heals. He doesn't run away from messes- He runs to them. because that is Love. and that makes it less scarey.
this is a new year. day 4. a time, a season, a chance for realness and honesty and in that, finding connection with God and with each other. finding our togetherness, our humanness, helping someone get back up, leaning and holding on to each other, and knowing that when we fall, because we all will, we are falling into the everlasting arms.
because to share those things, to open them up, to be revealed and with out cover or armor, with out the niceties and the packaged deal, would leave me so exposed- so vulnerable- so naked, yet so authentic, so real.
but what if you didn't like me anymore? what if you saw the real me and you decided that i'm too much for you, that my kind of broken is too far off from normally broken, what if you left? what if i was alone? and not just alone, but alone and exposed.
yikes!
but the thing i'm coming to see and feel and know, is that being authentic, being real and true is what we also deeply desire. we want to be loved, and real love is being known- really known- and still loved. loved despite our webs and tangles and mistakes and scars. loved even though we've messed it up.
the thing is, we are all messed up. we all have our messes and our secrets and our struggles and our stories- but some how we think we are the only ones who can't seem to get it right and better just pretend so people like us. is it better to be liked than known? is it better to be generally superficially accepted by many, than truly understood and welcomed anyway by a few?
and what do we think of the people that we know who have stood before us and shared their shameful stories, their sicknesses, their addictions, their pain? we usually call them brave. we call them strong and whole and admirably trying to carry on. we even envy them - even if to get to real, they had to fall and fall hard- we still envy them because they have arrived at a peace that we want. they are no longer afraid of people finding things out- because people already know, because they told them.
my first boyfriend was a 17 year old recovering alcoholic- (which my parents thought was awesome). but in so many ways it was- because he had confronted a lot of things that most people at 50 haven't yet confronted. he had already found out that truth that we spend lifetimes avoiding- that we have little control, that we need each other, that we need God.
i used to go to AA meetings with him. i think i was tolerated because he was the youngest guy at the meeting and they wanted him to keep coming. those church basements with the cold metal chairs on tan and white colored linoleum tile, and the coffee and cigarettes and the array of people who were brave enough to be honest and to show up for each other and themselves, to be reminded of their lack, their needs, their broken, so that tomorrow they could try again- those were some of the realist people around. i think if Jesus came back today he would be more likely to go to an AA meeting than many of our churches- because Jesus is all about real. He is not afraid of broken- He mends. He's not afraid of lost- He goes looking. He's not scared of pain- He heals. He doesn't run away from messes- He runs to them. because that is Love. and that makes it less scarey.
this is a new year. day 4. a time, a season, a chance for realness and honesty and in that, finding connection with God and with each other. finding our togetherness, our humanness, helping someone get back up, leaning and holding on to each other, and knowing that when we fall, because we all will, we are falling into the everlasting arms.
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