this week is thanksgiving

i have this awful cold but i am so thankful because it has landed me home between drop off and pick up, and home alone. i love being home alone. i love the freedom and the stillness and the possibilities. maybe i just have too much internal energy to have someone else's energy in the house too - or -five other peoples energy. sometimes i just need a break.

this week is thanksgiving.  this week advent is coming. this is my favorite time of the year. i'm trying hard not to be 'bothered' by the unbelievably beautiful weather that feels nothing like the Christmas time of my earlier years.  but it is strange.  it's strange that my kids will not grow up with a white Christmas, with  icicles and snow forts and sleds under the tree and breath on the window and pink cold fingers and the smell of wet mittens.  they will have a green lush Christmas- they may even go swimming on Christmas.  they will be wearing shorts and bare feet.  but. 

at least at night it gets cold-ish and it's the same darkness and the little white lights still glow and you can pretend.  at night it can look a little bit more like how i think Christmas is supposed to feel.

lately i have not felt present in my life.  i mean i have been living in my head. i have been preoccupied with the lack of ability to "do" anything about the rose situation. i have been stuck wondering what our future would hold or not hold and now as things have somewhat settled - i am emerging from myself.  thank God because my head is not a great place to be- it's often a messy knot of kite strings. for example, today in the car zoe asked if i'd remembered some form that we were both supposed to sign and return to school.

"zoe! do you think i can possibly remember all the stuff you people bring home for me to deal with? i mean you need to have some responsibility in your lives- i can't keep track of who has PE and who has swimming and who needs what form when!"

while i'm saying this i'm thinking that really this probably is my job.....but thankfully jude piped in with...

"well i always know who has PE and swimming." 
 true dat.

you get the idea.  my head is full.  but now- i think i can crawl out and find some space- especially now- especially this week of thanks and advent.

i have a lot to be thankful for.  miracles abound. there is anticipation, and hope and there is that magnificent star that comes out early when the sky is still blue and not yet black. it's so big and so bright. i think it's venus- but it looks like the Christmas star from long ago and far away- speaking- calling- quieting.  reminding me that snow or not, green or ice, warm or cold- it's still the best time of the year.