where the red fern grows

moments of break through come at the strangest times- or in the strangest ways. today it came with a movie from my childhood.

this week has been a great home-school week for zoe and me.  we've calmly worked- we've not over done it- but a lot of learning has taken place.

she now goes to two classes through the LEAD home school organization and she goes by herself. this is big.  she's with about 6-8 kids and one teacher and she's doing it! she's learning- she's not horribly distracted or distracting ( or at least i haven't heard about it if she is).  she likes it.  she's made some friends.  she is happy.  at home this gives us a bit of structure- we need to get things done to work around the classes- it's good motivation.

today she had class and then we came home and were able to get through a lot of things- copy work, math, poetry, piano, greek mythology, grammar, and vocabulary.  i actually didn't hear the words "OH why did you help me!" not even once!  even when i helped her remember how to play two of her songs on the piano- she thanked me.  she wanted to 'google' information on the vikings- her class is on vikings- so we did this. and this lead to looking for a movie about vikings since we'd accomplished so much.  we couldn't find one- but we did find "where the red fern grows".

now i'm remembering this from my childhood- the book and the movie.  i'm remember it being about a boy and his beloved dogs.  i remember it being very poignant and a bit sad- but i can't remember why.  so i tell zoe that it's a great movie and set her up to watch.  she eats lunch and is fully engaged in the movie and i'm running around cleaning up and periodically watching scenes with her.  then i sit to watch the last 10 minutes.  the part when one of the dogs, big dan, dies trying to protect his sister dog and billy his owner.  it's very sad.  then it gets worse.  the sister dog, little annie, dies of grief over big dan's death and over their graves the red fern grows.  zoe is trying to process this.  she's upset and curious about why and how little annie actually dies.  so we talk about it, about the sorrow and about the loss.  and then she wants to see her dog, so she feeds her and watches her eat. and then she looses it.

she says, "this is just so sad!" and starts weeping.  and she's sitting on the floor crying.  so i gathered her up and sat her on my lap- and then it turned into anger.  she was angry at me.  "why did you tell me to watch this terrible movie!" and she began trying to pinch me and slap me (in her very gentle zoe way of not actually wanting to hurt me, but to explain her feelings).  i reminded her that there were beautiful parts and sad parts to the movie- the boy's love and friendship with his dogs was beautiful, and that their dying really is sad and that it's OK to feel it.  that i was so proud of her - because it meant that she understood how billy felt.  that she was able to relate - that she could empathize.  i told her not to confuse sadness with anger- that they are separate- that sadness isn't always bad.  for zoe anger is easier.  anger is daily, she runs from sad and i'm not fully sure why.  i told her it's OK to cry and allow herself to feel sorrow.  that understanding other peoples feelings is a really important part of living.  and she put down her little fists and cried in my arms.

this is huge.

this is progress.

this is her right brain engaged.

zoe has never reacted much to movies except for humor.  unlike all her friends or classmates or brothers, she was never scared at a disney film or cried during ET.  she wasn't able to relate on that level- she didn't connect herself to the story line- to the characters. 

we hit another developmental milestone.

we're working on holding that tension- not avoiding an entire movie because of a sad ending, not all or nothing, living with the good and the hard-having the ability to feel  the spectrum of emotion- because that is real. that is life.

it's another velveteen rabbit moment- zoe becoming more real, more alive. and it hurts. but it's worth it.