there is more in that box than vegetables

i'm sitting out on the porch listening to the rain. i can smell it.  i love it. the day started out as my favorite type- the gray - closed sky - kind of day with blowing leaves and dusty colors that stand out. with a warm breeze and no direct sun. the kind of weather that holds you- that you can feel.  it makes me so happy. like little white lights and the smell of a bonfire on the beach and the color of the ocean before a storm and fireflies.

today is wednesday. the day of the vegetable box. and i'll admit it- it's beginning to stress me out.  today as i peeked in- hoping for no more green peppers- i saw a cabbage.  once again- a high maintenance vegetable with very little pay off.  i mean come on- if i'm going to be cooking something for a while that i first had to prepare for a while- it better be worth it- it better be something like chocolate.  the rest of the vegetables were covered in so much dirt that i needed to wash before i could identify. seriously.  and as i was washing- i think rutabaga and sweet potatoes- and beginning to resign myself to an afternoon of chopping and stirring- i heard a noise and then felt water at my feet.  sink leak. great.  so i abandoned my mission (after sticking the beets in to roast) and washed the kitchen floor- because what else are you going to do with water everywhere- OK- half the kitchen floor.

life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.  that's what my mom always says, and she's usually right.  and life right now is something that i 'm trying to relinquish control over.  i'm trying to let go.  i'm trying to not have a plan for everything- a reason for everything- to be in a place where something as beautiful and organic and life giving as a box of vegetables- doesn't cause anxiety.

and this is the paradox of my life.  things ruined by expectations.  i'm realizing that i'm wrought with unnecessary ideas and expectations.  by a moral hierarchy that i've created and then demand that i follow. and it's exhausting.  things such as not being able to do anything indoors if it's nice outside- because that would just not be right.  or being overwhelmed by a cabbage and a mess of peppers. feeling like if i don't learn to make slaw and pickle things i'm a bad person.  or trying to strap my daughter into a grade level, or hold her to a rigid schedule on a day when her brain is disconnected.  just let it go.  seriously.  that is where i want to be.

the days that i get there are so much smoother.  so much happier.

have you seen that commercial for nutri-grain bars? it's about starting the day right with healthy choices.  the idea being that if you start off right- it's easier to continue on the path of healthy eating. and healthy eating leads to being happier and so we should all just eat nutri-grain bars and things will be better.  no. kidding. but i get the idea. when i start of the day in a place of peace- a place of prayer- a place of how would God want me to live-a place of letting go-  it goes better.  i do make better choices (not about choosing cabbage over brownies) but about responding to life.

this week there was also honey in the box- at least that's what it looks like- but apparently there's even more - because each week i get a little lesson about living.