redemption

i love teen dance movies.  like "bring it on".  or "honey". or "fame". pretty much any story about redemption with cool street dancing.  i usually cry and always wish i could seriously dance- like dance my heart out- pour all the challenges of life into the way my body moves. that would be so cool.  the thing that always comes out is the girl or guy from the wrong side of the tracks- who's been dealt the bad hand-earns respect through dancing- or makes the right decisions to stay away from drugs and violence, by choosing to dance. 

one of the most important teaching moments of my residence training came one afternoon during my clinic.  i was exhausted and very burned out.  it was the middle of my second year of residency. i had been up all night on call and then dragged myself to afternoon clinic to see patients until 6 that evening. i was running on fumes. it was the pre- 80 hour work week, and i was on hour 30/36 straight.  things happen to you when you've been up that long.  when you've been dealing with very intense situations that require attention and good judgement and you've had very little sleep and really, the outcome is sometimes  life or death. you feel an ironic combination of the weight of the world and also the lightness of being.  a sense of the seriousness of life and also the normalcy of death.  it's how i image it would feel to be in war.  your body has to reset it's emotional clock.  you have to set up a system and boundaries.  you have to find a new way to process.  things change.

so i had just seen this patient who was struggling with something - maybe substance abuse- i can't remember.  i was frustrated.  i wanted to go home and sleep and see my daughter.  i'd lost my ability to empathize with him.  i went out of the room to tell the senior physician about the case and go over my plan.  it was obvious by my presentation that i had given up on this guy- whatever his issue was- i had given up. 

my preceptor - well rested and wiser than i- said very clearly, "i believe in redemption."

dohho!!

so do i!

and all of a sudden i was terrified at who i'd become.  i believe in redemption.  i went into primary care because i believe in redemption.  who was this person giving up? i was ashamed.  i was embarrassed. i'd miss represented myself. this is not who i am.  this patient had become a symbol of all the wrong in the world.  all the things you see when you can see other peoples lives understood backwards.  the fall out from years of substance abuse.  the heart failing after years of cocaine, the liver after a lifetime of alcohol, the worn out lungs from smoking.  and into the mix go all the unexplained sufferings- the 20 year old with shoulder pain that turns out to be leukemia, the 30 year old with cardiomyopathy from a random virus- and the reactions become judgments - and we taking care of them are at risk for vilifying and glorifying.  for over identification and under-identification.

and there i was, 30 years old and bitter. there i was forgetting who i really am.  but his words changed me.  because i began to remember. his four words reminded me of who i was. he refocused the blurry lens through which i was looking. and i was so thankful.

today i did a home visit with a wonderful man who has spent much of his life on the streets. a man who allowed his cancer to bring him home.  to reunite him with family. a man who was willing  to experience redemption. and as i listened to his story, as i heard his process, i was reminded again that it's grace. it's humility. it's a willingness to let life take and guide you. and that  it's possible no matter where you are, no matter how far you've fallen.

hearing those words years ago, when i was at the end of my emotional rope, that was redemption. transformation. it's what we crave.  what we hope for- even when we think it's not possible.  it's the good end to the movie.  it's what touches that spot in us - it's art. dance.  it's the cross. it's soul deep.  it's that longing for the right choice- it's what unites and inspires and keeps us moving on.

for the next year and a half of my training those words followed me in the dark nights when i watched the fall out from the badness in life.  i believe in redemption.  i believe in redemption. i believe in redemption.

thank you paul nadler- i will never forget it again- i promise.