live it full

she died. my patient who was 39. the day i got back from Uganda- but i found out at work on friday. i'm really sad and i miss her. i miss her ability to smile and enjoy life even in pain, even while dying, even while dying young. i had a feeling that it would be like this- that she'd be gone when i came back, and i hated being right. on friday, i signed a death certificate of another beloved patient, and found out a new patient of mine, also 39- died the day before. what do i expect? i do end-of-life care. but somehow, it sneeks up on me. somehow it does surprise me- it does make me sad. it makes me question how i live.

things have been good lately. i write less when things are good- because writing it out helps me- it's my process (and, you know i fear jinxing it). there are differences with zoe- they are subtle but they are good. the way she recovers from things that upset her. the way she's able to be present in the upset- not far off in an unreachable place. she's connecting the pieces- she's picking up things she didn't before. she's a little less sticky- more re-directable.

this sunday in sunday school, she got overwhelmed by the newness- new grade, new teacher, new kids- she felt left out- so she said, "i'm going to disappear." and ran out. she came into the sanctuary and found me-looking like she was going to cry- but she didn't. i whispered did she need me to come out with her, or could she just sit quietly with us. she needed me to talk- so we left the room.

she told me how she felt- how she hated how she felt - how she didn't want to feel this way- and that she wanted to cry- and wanted to know if this was because of her nvld. i told her that everyone feels this way in new situations and that it's normal. that we all have to figure out how to handle that feeling- and that i was proud of her for being so quiet about how she felt because i know it feels bigger to her. that i was proud of her for holding it together- for describing her emotions so well, for taking the time to re-group.  after a few minutes, she wanted to go back to class.  and she did- by herself.  and it was all good.  this is huge! this would never have happened a year ago! there are changes - sometimes i forget to see them.

so i will look at my life more.  i will see the little victories and the big ones- because today i can- and other people can't. because while life is full- it should be lived fully- and because i've seen people- who live it fully, even when it's barely there.

thank you ms. b- you won't be forgotten.