the dancer and the old soul

it's weird to be back. jetlaggy and missing mike while he's at work after so much time together.

we've jumped right back in. bills and mail and messages and the georgia heat. and preparing for school- for work.

and today, my baby jude started kindergarten .  as i held his hand on the walk to school i felt the last five and a half years of connection all at once. recalling his birth - the snipping of the cord- his learning to crawl- to move away from me and return-our years in san francisco and the different quality of the northern light at the playground- the hours of waiting to hear his test results-wondering if he'd ever get to five- and if he'd be able to get to school-and i wanted to turn around and run back home, and run through time.

"it's only kindergarten" mike kept saying.
but not to me. it's more. it's the beginning- it's his life apart- it's his becoming more his own.  he is in many ways, my oldest, although he's five years younger than zoe.  he is someone with whom i can relate- identify with- in a way that i can't with zo.  his experiences remind me of mine- hers have always been so different.

i was teary on the walk- but knew not to be 'that lady' when we got to school. and so i'm teary now. because ultimately i'm so thankful. that he is who he is.  that his health is good.  that he will grow and go on and separate and be his own.

when zoe started kindergarten it felt more logisticy but less emotional.  she transitioned really well. she didn't cry and neither did i.  maybe because she'd been in all day childcare  and i worked full time,so the transition didn't seem as big.  but i think it's also the difference of our experience-our intake.  the way she sees and interacts with the world is different. this is a source of interest and fascination- a chance to learn from each other- but it's also a loss.  today with jude, i was reminded of the difference- of that loss.

for years i felt too guilty to utter the word 'loss' in relation to my child.  how could a mother feel that? but it has been an important piece for me to come to terms with.  the loss of certain things- the gain of others.  the sadness- the greater joy.  it's OK to be honest.

when we were in Uganda- zoe had a moment of pure shine.

we were at a safari lodge, way up north, and a local tribal dance band was playing outside the lodge.  they were in their traditional attire with hand made instruments - gathered around a bonfire.  no guests had come down to watch- so we headed down.  zoe- in her unabashed- unhibited way-with her love of song leading her on- headed down to the dancers and began to shake her little muzungu booty to the drum beat.  she just danced and danced- the little blonde head and the african dancers- no common language- no need to read facial expressions- just the communal love of music- and the common desire to move to it.  slowly people began to gather and watch and participate and after she wore herself out- she went up to bed.  that is zoe in her glory- bringing people together-her love of life.

as i walked with jude to school he asked where zoe was.  i'd left her at home.  he seemed disappointed- and i realized it's because she's his wing man.  he relies on her for those ice breaking moments- to introduce him- to pad the way- to dance the first dance when no one else will.

i'd left her, so this morning could be about him. so that he could have his time- with no competing sticky thoughts- no diversion of attention- which i worry he gets cheated out of.  but i realized that wasn't what he wanted- i'd removed his safety.

"can she come with me tomorrow?"

"yes- absolutely!"

and they can both shine- the dancer and the old soul.